I got a friggin B!

I got a B on this stupid paper. I feel like I slighted myself somehow. The prof said it seems rushed. It was! Everyone of her stupid papers are rushed. I have to read two friggin books a week and then you want me to write on them. Imma have to tell her. I don't understand have the shit in those books. They're talking Foucault and Bauhaus, Marx and whoever else that is white. I'm just tired of it. I don't get it. The class discussions are damn near impossible for me to get a word in edgewise and whenever I do I sound like the other black girl in the class sounds to me. Like I'm making stuff up as I go along. I read, I actually read these books. I'm absorbing it and attempting to apply it somehow, but now I officially feel like a fraud. FAILURE. Yes, I know, it is a "B" but I am NOT a "B" student. I am exceptional. Bottom line. I have to be to compete with these kids because this is history. Not only is it a white world but it's a white man's world, history is, I mean. I'm going to re write the stupid paper and the one I just handed her. Goddammit.

Blue Days

At times I claim to have defeated my greatest enemy. Other times, it just feels so comforting, like an addict I suppose. I'm not blue at the moment, but the other day, I told myself if I would just give in for but a moment, I could pull myself right back out. I said it would make everything feel better. So I did. I told my Sun mommy didn't feel well and needed a nap and if he could just please play in the front and watch TV I would feel better in a moment. Three hours later, I did feel better, my Sun was happy to see me up. I noticed a stool had been pulled up next to the stove and the pan of muffins hubby had left on there before he went to work was empty. The kid had fended for himself. Thank god he hadn't found a need to attempt operation of the oven. I would have had to act on one of many thoughts I had as I drifted into my depression induced sleep had any catastrophe ensued for neglecting my Sun in order to baby my own emotion.

Two Teachers Fight Over a Man in Front of ATL Students

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Why Women have Sex

Fall thus far...

Just wanted to take a moment to get some of my thoughts done. Grad school is becoming potentially stressful for me. I say potentially because I am trying to remain cool about all this. Time management is extremely important. Like now, for instance. If I had a grip on my time, I most likely would adhere to a schedule and do something on that list rather than type in this blog. But I don't. Not that I won't but at the moment, I don't have a set schedule to do things. I have, hiding behind the screen of this open laptop, about 65 or so mid term papers to grade. I also have two abstracts to pull together in order to propose papers for upcoming conferences. I also have two entire books to read by Monday and I've only gotten through ten pages of one thus far. Oh yea. I am meeting with Dick Gregory on Friday morning. I have to prepare to interview him. Oh yea... I am also beginning to work on this photo-historical book my friend and I are "writing." We hope to have our University's press print it. On top of it all is my family consisting of a three year old who I am trying to raise plus my husband with whom I am in the venture of redefining our relationship on our own terms and not that of which society tells us. This is probably the biggest stressor of all because that societal programming is almost like a computer virus that NEVER goes completely away. So this is all that is going on with me. Oh, and, we are having to choose who we will TA with next semester and I have many professors pulling me in different directions. I keep changing my mind. SMH. So, how are you? For real, I care! leave a comment and tell me how you're fall is going thus far, maybe I'll send you something.... For now enjoy this:

Myesterious Things: The 11th Annual Graduate Symposium on Women’s and Gender History

"Mysterious Things”: The 11th Annual Graduate Symposium on Women’s and Gender History

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign / March 4-6, 2010

Submission Deadline: November 1, 2009

The Executive Committee of the Eleventh Annual Graduate Symposium on Women’s and Gender History at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign is pleased to announce this call for papers. The Symposium, which is the capstone event of the History Department’s Women’s History month celebration, is scheduled for March 4-6, 2010. To celebrate and encourage further work in the field of women’s and gender history, we invite submissions from graduate students from any institution and discipline. The Symposium organizers welcome individual papers on any topic in the field of women’s and gender history; papers submitted as a panel will be judged individually. Preference will be given to scholars who did not present at last year’s Symposium.

The Symposium Executive Committee is interested in assembling a geographically, temporally, and topically diverse body of papers. This year’s theme, “Mysterious Things,” speaks to a variety of trends that are currently shaping the field of women’s and gender history. This is particularly the case as we march on through a world where things—be they ideas, objects, or some strange mix thereof—continue to delight, baffle, liberate, and ruin individuals, as well as global institutions. Successful proposals could directly explore and build upon the implications of the moment in Marx’s thought concerning commodities, wherein what should become inanimate matter actually assumes a mysterious, yet undeniable kind of life. Proposals could begin to chart out this life in a variety of fields—particularly gender and sexuality—and its
effects upon those with whom it comes into contact. Indeed, gender and sexuality are, themselves, mysterious things, and proposals could also include any work that seeks to expose and demystify their strange functions in the everyday life of people and institutions. We welcome all proposals that seek to examine and interrogate any of the nebulous, enigmatic areas included under the rubric of gender and women’s history. The choice of theme is purposefully broad but provocative, inviting
perspectives and reflections from a variety of temporal, geographical, and inter/disciplinary perspectives.

For this year, the Eleventh Annual Symposium, we are delighted to announce a keynote speaker who engages many of these themes in his work: Kevin Floyd, Associate Professor of English, Kent State University, author of The Reification of Desire: Toward a Queer Marxism (University of Minnesota Press, 2009).

The journal Gender & History will again sponsor a prize for the best graduate student paper presented at the Symposium. Conference presenters will also have the opportunity to publish their work in the on-line proceedings volume. We possess limited resources to subsidize travel expenses for presenters. Giving priority to presenters with limited conference experience, we will allocate these funds based on the quality of presenters’ proposals and the availability of funds.

To submit a paper or panel by email (preferred method); please send only one attachment in Word or PDF format containing a 250-word abstract and a one-page curriculum vitae for each paper presenter, commentator, or panel chair to gendersymp at gmail dot com. The subject line of the email must read "Attn: Programming Committee.” We cannot be responsible for submissions that do not meet these conditions.

To submit a paper or panel in a hard copy format, please send five (5) copies of all abstracts and curriculum vitae to: Programming Committee, Graduate Symposium on Women's and Gender History 309 Gregory Hall, MC 466, 810 S. Wright Street Urbana, Illinois 61801.

For more information, please contact Programming Committee Chair, T.J. Tallie at gendersymp at gmail dot com.

Priorities.

Today I met with a classmate of mine to discuss a reading for the class we have tomorrow. While the class is a seminar class and the whole point is discussion of the reading, we have opted to meet every Sunday to decide what points we need to bring up in class so as to be sure sure our thoughts are heard on the subjects. We are the black students in the class. I, a fresh master's student, she, a new PhD student. My prof loved the idea of the black kids setting the agenda. He is a white man legitimately holding a black card for all intents and purposes. Let me say, another black classmate of mine who had him as a professor at another school thought he was an albino the first two years she knew him. Yes. He is a white black man. I'd go so far as to say African. He is an African man. In a white guys body.

Anyway, I got to meet with my new friend and we discussed the reading, briefly. But we also got to share our stories of struggles in school and how we overcame those struggles. She is amazing. Let's call her Fancy. Fancy is from Kenya but she is Ethiopian. She has a husband and a two year old and she is smart. I am thrilled. I admire so much what she has gone through to ensure good grades and quality education. But what is more amazing to me is how they live here. As an international student, they have little money. All the money she receives from the school goes towards bills. We do not receive large stipends at all. In fact, of the schools she was accepted to, she choose this one because it offered the largest stipend. She says her son grows too fast and she purchases all of his clothes at second hand stores. Unless she gets some extra money. Then she buys him new things.

The first day of our T.A. training, she came up to me and said how she is so happy to see there are three Africans in our program. She told me that despite being African American, we are sisters and we have to stick together in our department because we are all we got. And she is SO right! I was thrilled as well to see her and the other girl but the way she embraced me was surprising. In undergrad, I was very involved with our African Student Council. But I have been told more times than once that I was not truly African because I was born here and so were my parents. The African students would laugh at us or some times be irate that we were attempting some faux brand of Africanity. Initially, I would fall silent and get hurt feelings, but eventually I realized they were as blind as some of the Africans on this continent. We are all the same people. My new response became, if your sibling was kidnapped away from your family and taken to another place and then they grew and married and had children and you found one another again, would your children be cousins? Are they still your sibling? In the same way, we are all the same people. Especially because the students I was dealing with then were all from West African countries.

But Fancy is from East Africa. And without any hesitation she claimed me as her friend. I feel very close to her already. I know there is so much I can learn from her. At the same time, she wants her minor focus to be on African American Studies. So she has much to learn from me. We had a lovely time. I made dinner and then I showed her the decades old photographs salvaged from the sociology department's incinerator pile and residing in my office while I decide on how to archive them. She was thrilled. Historian's are like that. We get off on historical documents.

I was able to give her all of Sun's winter and fall clothes from last year. It's too small but just the right size for her son. She walked out with four bags of clothes and shoes! I felt good but in the same way, I felt like I should be living way simpler. I am a student. That is my life. Yet I know I have spent over a grand in the past month on clothes and accessories. I am not exaggerating. I have so many clothes and shoes and everyday I find a reason to buy more. I love to buy food from restaurants. I hate fast food so any lunch I buy, even to go is costing at least $10. I dress nice to campus every day. Not undergrad nice, but office nice. I get compliments all day, every day and I love it but now I wonder if I am dressing for the compliments rather than to be appropriately attired. I feel foolish. What is really important to me?

Fancy was able to attend a Midwestern university after getting in bachelor's in Nairobi. Her school gave the top female student full tuition scholarship plus an assistantship at the Midwestern school every year. When she graduated she was that student. When I graduated, I had to finagle my way into grad school on a hope and a prayer. Nonetheless, she says we will push each other to be the very best because as Black women we can do anything. I believe her.

Beating the brick wall

I am smack dab in the middle of a life change right now. In two days, I officially begin my graduate program (though I did spend last semester in graduate school) and I begin my teaching career as a TA. Career wise, I hope to be a professor. And all professors begin as TA's. I had my training last week and also orientation for my department. And as confident as I usually pretend to be, I began to freak right out yesterday. My entire day went wrong. Nothing of serious note happened, but I did feel an overwhelming sense of overwhelment (as a scholar, I get to make up words). So what did I do? I called my husband hoping that he could offer some encouragement and sympathy. More so, sympathy. Look, I know I will get through this. I know this is simply my anxiety factor taking over. All the encouragement and motivation in the world I already contain within myself. But every so often, I need someone to say, "Honey, it's okay to feel this way. But you know you will do good."

My husband has no sympathy.

He has been my official ass kicker since we married almost five years ago. He pushes me to get things done. Which is very ironic since it seems that there are tasks that would be impossible for him were it not for me to walk him through every single tiny step. So in a sense, we push each other. And that is awesome. But, he never goes easy. His idea of easy is, "I didn't say anything and now I can't take it." From one extreme to another. Whenever I try to explain this to him, he will find a way to justify his reasoning based on my inability to do x, y and or z. My husband is a wonderful dad. And he is a hard worker. And, technically, at the moment, he has four part time jobs, a full time class schedule, he is the "president" (they have some Greek term for it, but I can't spell it) of the graduate chapter of his fraternity here, he is the father of my child, and, did I mention, he is my husband.

I just cannot take it anymore.

I try to reason with myself: He is not abusive; He does not cheat; He is not cruel; He is a wonderful father; He nursed me back to (if I ever had it previously at all) mental health; He has introduced me to my physical health. But I constantly feel inadequate. And I find myself despising him.

My husband is also permanent resident. At times, I speak for him when taking care of red tape matters because I know how to "talk" to get things accomplished and it seems like he can't find the words to begin. I worry that he would not be able to function optimally without me. I feel guilt.

Several times throughout the day, yesterday, I called him to say I was stressing out. Each time he responded to the effect of, I can't think about stress, I just have to do what I have to do. I told him I felt overwhelmed. He said not to focus on negative. After a very stressful morning and afternoon of running around from office to office, I had to drive two hours to the airport to pick up his sister and two hours right back. When I got to the city, of course there was stop and go, but mostly stopped, traffic. I wanted to rip the steering wheel off the car and beat all the horrific drivers with it. When I returned to our town, rather late, I had to stop at Wal-mart to pick up some much needed household items, which also meant negotiating with my child as to what he could and could not get, toy-wise. I returned home, and my husband should have just been walking through the door at the same time except the person who was to relieve him was not coming in. So husband was late, though he had explained it. When he had explained it, I was a bit non-understanding regarding the person who was irresponsible. I was not upset at my husband, but I let him know that the situation did not make me happy. When he walked through the door, I attempted to just throw myself in his arms. I badly needed a hug. I am a hugger. It makes everything better. For him, hugs cannot possibly correct anything. He has said so. I got a one arm pat on the back and was told I was too mean today to deserve a hug.

I cannot take this any longer.

I want to tell him, just withdraw from school, take the baby, and go back to the Bahamas. I'll see you guys on break.

I need a break.

Maybe after being apart awhile, we will appreciate one another.

I keep trying to make my spouse the person I turn to when I need an ear. But he never fails to instead explain why I need an ear and how I could do better to not find myself in such situations. I just want him to be my person. I'm his person. He is my inferiority complex. I know better. So why does this make my chest hurt?

School

Two more days and it begins. THE SEMESTER. Doesn't that seem so foreboding? It's not. Technically classes do not start until the 24th, however my teaching assistant training does begin on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it. Until this point, I have only advised students and I always approached it in a older sister kinda way. All my students were African American. Now it's going to be different. I will be leading a "discussion" section for a history lecture. I will, of course, be attending the lectures. World history isn't something I keep foremost in my mind. African American history, KMT, and African, we can start talking. But I definitely needs some brushing up for World History. Being a Grad TA is a new role for me. It is like the official beginning of what I hope to be a long and fruitful career as an academic...

current mood a la J*Davey

Syracuse University has 10 Full Rides for African American Men and Women Interested in Studying Architecture

Hi everybody,
This could be a great opportunity for you or someone you know. Spread the word!
Syracuse University has 10 Full Rides for African American Men and Women Interested in Studying Architecture

Mark Robbins, Dean of Syracuse University's School of Architecture is desperately seeking young men and women of color interested in pursuing a five year professional degree in Architecture. He says he's deeply committed to bringing diversity to his field and has scholarship money set aside to fully cover education costs for 10 students. He says that Hispanic enrollment in the school has increased substantially, but it's been harder to attract Blacks. Syracuse University School of Architecture has a great reputation and this seems like a terrific opportunity, so please pass this on to everyone you know.

Contact:
Mark Robbins, Dean, School of Architecture (315) 443-2256
http://soa.syr.edu/index.php
School of Architecture
Syracuse University
201 Slocum Hall
Syracuse , NY 13244-1250
(315) 443-2256

Goapele - "Milk and Honey"

After a four year hiatus Goapele is BACK!!!

Milk and Honey - Goapele from goapele on Vimeo.

A brand new day!

I have become to refocus on all the things I want for myself. I sometimes wonder I lose focus in the first place but quickly drop those those thoughts. All that matters is from here on in. Now and the future. I can accomplish all I put my mind to regardless of rules and or expectations. I am going with what feels right.

Right now, I have my sights set on this winter and our vacation to the Bahamas. This will be my third time visiting and I'm staying for just over two weeks. I am thrilled about his particular visit because I have four friends visiting as well. And my sister in law has 2 friends coming. We're calling it our Bahamas Slumber Party. We'll spend New Years and New Years Eve in Atlantis and Aquaventure. We will spend a day in Eleuthera the Island known for it's beautiful pink sands. Boxing Day parade, Bay street, the Christmas Carnival, all of it we will visit. Personally, my favorite thing to do is shop in the Straw Market. It's a knock off girl's dream!

Yesterday I cam across a Jujumamablog.com and feel as though a breath of new life has been given to me. To see a black women speaking so openly and matter of factly about marriage, relationships and sex in the way she does made me stand up and say, "Yes!" Seriously. I have had similar ideas myself for awhile and have always believed it is perfectly okay to love more than one being at a time. Because of the way our society functions and because I made a promise when I got married, I have acknowledged time and again there is a different and better way to go about our notions on love and marriage but "honored" marriage in the way that is expected of me. But I am thinking it is time for us to head into a new direction. All the research in my academic life is pointing me here, my own life experiences has pointed me her, and randomly youtubing pointed me here. All signs point to go, so it is time to make a move.

You can check out Jujumama at Jujumamablog.com or check out the video below.


Additionally, I decided I HAVE to purchase her book:


You can find out more about this at http://jujumamablog.com/change-your-man/

I just am moving forward, and it feels so good. Working out and watching my body being to take the shape I've wanted for it is invigortating! I am beginning to feel sexy at all times without having to put on certain clothes or makeup! The purchase of the new blender/emulsifier is exciting as well. I signed up for a 21 day food challenge. Suddenly it seems so much easier than I ever expected!!! I already love to eat leafy greens and prefer "liquid breakfast." I can see myself going like this permanently. Well, maybe like 90% of the time. I do love seafood.

So many good things have happened to me suddenly! First, and this may seem little, but I order a print from Jaishi.com:

I saw it over a month ago after finding Jaishi on Twitter. I wanted to order it right away but decided to wait. After following Jaishi for a while, she posted a buy one get one free sale. I was thrilled. I ordered my two prints for the price of one and it came withing a week. They are so beautiful! She also included two stamps with images of her other paintings on them as well as a smaller print for free! I already know I will be ordering something else from her soon!

So the second thing that happened is I received a facebook message from one of the groups I admin on that site. Basically, the creator was asking all of the admins if we were still interested in helping with the group. I know I had shrugged off my duties for awhile and apparently so had others. I decided to step up to the plate again not only for that group but also for a smaller group I had created which between 600 and 700 members. Within a week, I received an email from Chris-Tia Donaldson, author of the book Thank God I'm Natural! She asked if I could possibly spread the word about her book to all of my group members and in return she would send me a copy of the book. I jumped at the opportunity. My book arrived within a week signed by her! I was so delighted. It's a great book, especially for anyone considering going natural. A how to guide for natural hair. I truly wish I had this years ago. I am not saying that because I got a free book, but because it is really that good!


Finally, I made a youtube video with an update of my locs, as seen below. I tweeted about it, and the owner of one of the blogs I admire ontheroadtoqueendom.com asked if she could repost my vid on her blog! It's there now, go check it out. I just woke up feeling so brand new today deciding only good things can happen in my life and they are!

Peace and love everybody!

4 month loc update

Just a thought.

Lisa Wu Hartwell. I have decided to use her as inspiration for my human self. I mean, she is such a go getter. Everything she sets her mind to she not only accomplishes, but blows it out of the water. And she stays busy.

Nike as motivation

I've had a hard time recently. I am battling half of myself. The half of me that likes to convince that it is easier not to try, not to get out of bed, not to bother. This is the half that caused me to drop out of college when I got pregnant. It is very clever at creating excuses that make loads of sense. I used to think this half was simply a lazy gene a high school counselor told me I had as I barely graduated. But I now understand it is depression that I battle. It comes and goes. Mostly goes. But when it's here, it makes sure no one is unaware. I stop answering my phone and won't even check voice mails. Everything irritates me. And everything becomes next to impossible to attempt. Usually, I just lay down, all day, and hope it will leave. Sleeping means I can't overeat, I can't yell at anyone, and I don't have to have the 'recognize your higher self' pep talks my hubby likes to give. He's good at them actually. And they are quite effective after we've gotten past me throwing books at him. When I'm like this I just want to be left alone, however, that tends to be a main trigger of these episodes. When I have nothing to do, I began to feel useless. I detest feeling so. I thrive off of being useful. Particularly, I enjoy being knowledged on little known, yet gravely important truths. And I enjoy enlightening others, unintentionally. I notice I tend to assume everything I know is common knowledge. Therefore, at times, I get exasperated with regular folk. This category includes the undergrads I advise via our Black Affairs Council. I am constantly astounded when I hear myself saying stuff like, you've never heard of Little Brother? You do know the student center has more than three floors; Fastweb.com has so may scholarships you can apply for; It's considered inappropriate to tell people what you want to pledge and even worse for you to imitate their strolls and signs; All blacks ain't Christian; Original Egyptians were not the same color as me; The bible was commissioned by Constantine; The banjo comes from Africa; Integration hurt us more than helping us and so forth and so on. I mean these are all little things, but I figured everyone knew this stuff. My point. My point is that this makes me feel useful. I currently have several things I can do to feel useful, but I have had a hard time motivating myself to get to it. Just do it. Nike.

I am trying to just do it. I know I can accomplish any and all I set my mind to. But I can't seem to set my mind on anything. I haven't even been motivated to type. But I am pressing ever onward. I thought to myself today, I have a healthy family, my husband is Mr. Wonders, my kid is the cutest, I'm beautiful, healthy, inspirational (I am told), I am on the path I have set out for myself. I have concluded my human self, as opposed to my detachable spirit, is doing what Westernized humans do. I am trying to find reasons to be unhappy. I have a wonderful life except for this depression that I can't seem to kick. I can ignore it and delay it but it always returns.

I chatted with one of my online buddies yesterday and she was telling me how she has so much she can do creatively but her thing is finding the time. I told her just go after it and time will be made. I need to tell myself that. I just have to do what it is I want and it will get done. Just do it. My new mantra. Just do it.

Can't a girl have a drink?

I'm posting because I need to write. An update I suppose. This weekend is my school's Black Alumni Reunion. I am THRILLED. I am currently enrolled but I am alum too. Got my first degree here. And my friends are coming! (I know you wanna scroll down and say, didn't this chick say she ain't got no friends?) But they are and I'll be nice and inebriated. *sigh*

Hubby and I had a lunch date today and I told him, "I've never been to the vineyard. That'll be fun. I am so ready for the drinking to begin." Because that's what we did in undergrad. We drank. And what better way to commemorate our experience than by drinking. To which he responds, "I think you should stay as far away from alcohol as possible." I politely told him no. I will be drunk. Thank you.

Where does he get off!?! I NEVER drink. The last Black Alumni I was nursing (no drinking) and the one before I was pregnant (no drinking). My kid needed me, so I didn't go out except to a BBQ. I am not an old maid nor a "mama" meaning my life is defined by the fact of my child's existence. I want to have fun. I think hubby just wants me to jump aboard his purification train. He's an athlete and wants to be in top shape. But also for his own spirituality. Which I think is lovely. Honestly. But I'm just getting over caffeine (I say as I sip my iced mocha with soy). I love people but don't fully enjoy myself in "party" situations without alcohol. Why you ask? Because I only like to be around Black people. And unfortunately, where I live, black parties only play bullshit music which I will spend my entire night complaining about and breaking down the degrading and destructive messages if it where not for alcohol to drown out the lyrics and keep my head bobbing to the nonsense. And I don't go out anyway. Just once in awhile. I last went out one night in May and before that the last weekend in February and even that was to my girl's house where we all sat around and watch the BET version of Malcolm X followed by a game of taboo til 4 in the morning. That is my going out.

Anyway, Hubby wound up saying, just have a good time. Enjoy yourself. I'm glad he did, because otherwise I would have felt guilty drinking around him.

This is why I look forward to moving to Atlanta. I'm going ahead of him. Perhaps I will find some stimulating places to visit that don't require me to drink in order to enjoy them. I'm told in L.A. there are all sorts of Black people "like me" that gather in convenient nightlife spots. We'll see.

The Uppity Down to Earth Black Chic

I've been re-evaluating myself on the whole, my personality, how I come off to others, what I believe, yadda yadda ya. I know in my last post I was talking about how I find I have terrible friends. But I think at times I may also be a bad friend. Rather, I am bad at being a friend sometimes. Since my Sun has arrived, 3 years ago, I don't do phone conversations. Maybe no one does. But I can't sit on the phone and just talk about whatever. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to talk about. Maybe not. I know the times when I find I would like to have an in depth convo, hubby is always near by. And he likes to eavesdrop. Everything is not for him to hear. We are married and all, but my business is mine and his is his. I don't even go through his phone. NEVA.

Back to the point. I also mentioned previously there was a person who was trying to be a good friend to me, but I allowed my own insecurities to get in the way. There was more than one now that I have thought about it. In fact, I have a very good friend who served as an example and motivation for me. But previously, I always felt like I kept failing to live up to some imaginary standards for her; Meaning, I created a standard based on her wonderful example and failed to meet it by far and thus allowed myself to think she thought I was a failure as well. Thankfully, one thing I have learned in all my lonesomeness, try, try again. And today I am back on track. She is still a key motivation of mine and I made a move to contact her, let her know how I felt and she is coming to visit me! She is a person I can feel at home with, if you know what I mean.

I also realized I may come off as "holier than thou" to some people who may look up to me. Years ago, I recognized that people had begun to put on some type of pedestal. It was shared with me time and time again that something I had said or did had caused someone to make significant, positive, positive changes to their lives. More often than not, these were people who I did not know on a personal level. I was constantly recommended for various things, such as serving as master of ceremonies, sitting as a representative on board meetings, having dinner with distinguished guests and on and on. This was (and still mostly is) my life in the academic realm. I use to shrug off people's suggestions that I was so inspirational mostly because I felt I was a fraud. I don't feel that way anymore. However, I do fear that I have become a perfect example of what I detest. A self-righteous bitch. Let me clarify, some years ago, I knew this one chic who was nappier than thou, blacker than thou, more righteous than thou, all of it. She had the nerve to be a stuck up down to earth black girl. Me and my girl got a kick out laughing at her. She had no problem be rude and obnoxious to black people still in need of "waking up." Worse, she was even rudder to folks who were new, shall we say, to the black consciousness thing. She basically, had a BAD attitude and not Michael Jackson bad. We always did this thing where we'd have a gathering at someone's house on a weekend day so people could come and sing, or read poetry or whatever. It's was a means of stimulation and good company. At some point, after this girl left, I think, it was decided to be moved to my house. I agreed and ol' girls good friend suggested we call it by the same name it had when it had been at the girl's house like three or four years before. I wanted other names but agreed. It's what everyone else wanted. Do you know this chic called me and told me I had no right to call it that because people would think it was the same thing and it WAS NOT seeing as I was the person organizing it. (this is all her accusations) It was actually her friend organizing but whatever. I just wanted to share how damn uppity she was. Anyway...

The other day, I was in a preparation meeting for an event we have going on. Before we started, this girl I had previously done some events with asked me if I had twisted my hair again. No, I told her I was locking it. But I'm sure I may have made a face. Because I am told I make faces when people annoy me so I am sure I may have made some type of face when the girl suggested I had "twisted" my hair again. I know the last time I saw her at an event, her friend who came with her told me she didn't have "good hair" like me. I am positive I rolled my eyes and responded, "I get so sick of black people and this good hair bad hair non-sense." I know, it was mean. But I do, and I'm tired of being the polite teacher at times. It doesn't help that most of the people I act snobbishly towards are at least five years younger than me. At Least. I have attempted to curb my attitude by refraining from saying anything at all. However, people get to asking me questions in attempts to be my friend (ah, the irony). "What church do you go to?" "I don't go to church. I'm not Christian." "You're not Christian?!? Aren't you afraid to go to hell? OR I thought all black people were christian! OR How can you not believe in god?"

This gets much eye rolling and patronizing comments from me. Because I am tired of answering the same folly over and over again. I am just tired of being everyone teacher for things outside their realm. Go pick up a book or google it or ask ya professor. If you not in my classes, don't come to me!

I guess my point was that though this is how I think, this is most likely how I come off. Looking down my nose at folk though 90% of the people I run into are taller than me. I fear I've turned into the girl I mentioned earlier. And I don't want to be that person. But at the same time, I feel like I needn't be the spokesperson far all that you find "counter-culture." Sure, I eat healthy, do yoga, read reference books for fun, sleep to Buddhist chanting, loc my hair, have casual conversations with my ancestors, wear wraps on my head a dashikis with my jeans, married a foreigner, let my 3 y.o. make major decisions for himself, and out rightly speak against 9-5 jobs. But those are my decisions, and my life, and I feel it's personal. Additionally, when hearing statements, directed at me, about the way I go about my life that reflect your ignorance towards my lifestyle, I can't help but physically cringe. Sometimes I find myself surprised that close minded individuals still exist. I don't think we can afford to be in this day and age.

Funny, in the middle of typing all this I had a convo with a student who wandered into the museum. He mentioned that he is mentoring teens and his number one policy which he is firm on is no premarital sex. He's a nice guy, so I didn't bother countering. What's wrong with folks these days honestly?

Confessions of an Ex Fat Girl (Relationships)

BeautifulBrwnBabyDol of youtube speaks esteem and changes in relationships as she lost weight. I sincerely appreciate this video though I may have never been at a point where others would have called me "fat," I think her remarks of relationships in general are worth sharing.

Anything goes? For real?

I am so fickle when it comes to relationships. In particular, friendships, between women. I have many, many female friends, meaning people that I am friendly with. Nice, amicable, we can kick it and have a nice time. There are many more people with whom I am polite with and together we can get things done if needed. But as far as close friends? ....uhm.... Let me think on this here.

I probably have someone who thinks she is a close friend because we can pick up where ever we left off, but I think she tends to forget she was always very private with herself towards me. Guarded is more like it. So whenever we DO talk, she always uses terms like, "remember I told you about?"... No. I don't. You never told me. I also never asked. If you don't share, that's your prerogative. But don't expect me to dig for info. She's always so surprised that I don't remember this and that, but then, she largely forgets she never told me in the first place. That doesn't bother me so much as when I did make a move to open up she felt obliged to share that info with the info :-/ I had a friend, she's still my friend, who I think tried to be close with me. But I couldn't be that close with her. To me, she came from this perfect background, mom and dad still together. About to get married to her first 7 year old crush. Came from the suburbs, and she could braid. I don't know what that had to do with anything, but at the time, I put her on a pedestal for it. Did I mention she's gorgeous? Which heightens the fact that I had some sever insecurities at that point. Still, everywhere we'd go, her, I and another third light skinned beauty, guys would drool over us. I think it really came down to my perception that she was more "pure" than I. She'd only been with one guy, ever and I obviously did not share that same fact. So the things that occupied my mind 23/7 I could not discuss with her. Yes, that often, sometimes I wonder if my brain should have been programmed as a man the way I go there....

For at least a year, I was severely paranoid of anyone trying to make friends with me. There was a girl who was friends with me only because it was convenient. For some reason, she had thought herself as "the" girl of our circle of friends though I knew all of our people before she showed up on the scene. She went so far as to tell me one day, "the group is me, him and him, you are not apart of the inner circle." 8-0. Lucky for me, to be considered the girl of a all male inner circle group of friends you have to be fuckable by said group of friends. As a heterosexual female I was fuckable, note the prefix -able and not -ed. Once when we all headed home for some break (we were all from the same city) I called her one evening to ask her to join me at some bar. She said she was going, but emphasized it was with some of her friends from home and I probably wouldn't be comfortable (emphasizing my heterosexual status here again). Another friend of ours called me and asked me to come out and kick it at the same place so I grabbed a cab. Do you know this heifer was there with "her" friends, OUR friends? I made a point to state the obvious and when we returned to school, our first dinner back in the caf together, everyone talked around her and not to her. When she started to say things to get attention, they started saying things like, "No one cares 'Susy'," and "Blah, blah, blah." Did I mention my guy friends were all tremendous assholes? But I loved it. They had planned to be rude to her before we went to dinner because I almost did not join them as a means to express my extreme disapproval of her behavior. They insisted and promised to treat her as she deserved. They ALL did. And I will again emphasize, I Loved It. Because I am an asshole at heart. She started crying and they kept going. Eventually, I stopped bothering to be bothered with her. Because while I genuinely offered my friendship to her time and time again, she had this imagined competition with me to be "the" girl. I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. In the long run, our friends are still My friends. And not so much her way. She got replaced.

After she left us, I had all sorts of randoms attempting to be my friend. One girl found me via BlackPlanet, yes that long ago. She claimed she was coming to our school and I looked like a cool person. Long story short, my ex, who was with her while were were together was now her boyfriend. He told her to befriend me. Random. But we, the homies and I, had been onto the whole game. We toyed with her and it was done. We began to frequent a local hangout for a while. It became Our spot. We were the regulars. But there was, regularly, a different group of girls each week there to support one of their own hoping one of my homies would get in their pants. I can't explain this phenomena nor do I care to understand, but it existed. These same girls would seek me out on campus and try to be overly friendly and buddy buddy with me, asking what was going on each night, offering I should give them my number so we could kick it. I will admit, I got a kick out of being an asshole. Mean. Just plain evil. Because they were not interested in me at all but apparently viewed me as a pawn to get to their king.

A typical convo:
them - hey girl what's goin on?
me - not a damn thing
them - ya'll kickin it tonight?
me - ya'll who?
them - you know, u and so and so
me - it's really none of your business

or

them - we should really kick it tonight
me - no we really shouldn't

or

them - hey! where's so and so?
me - do I fucking look like i carry him in my pocket?

or

them - is it hip hop night tonight?
me - why the fuck are you talking to me?

OR

If at our spot and a "they" would ask if they could sit at a table with me I'd say "no," plain and simple.

Now if a "they" showed up at someone's home when we were having a normal kickit session, meaning said they was invited and nine times out of ten was gloating to be there, I didn't pay them any mind, not rude or otherwise. But the guys, I became evil to them. Why were they letting this random have for even a nanosecond the thought that she was approved? All new females were approved by "the" girl of the group and though I previously claimed not to be worried about any of that, I embodied my role totally.

So I went through a year of that. Being mean to randoms who pretended to be nice to me to get to my guys. I am an honest person. I expect the same of everyone in return. I am also very loyal. But that's neither here nor there. After our happy little boy group plus me separated, I got married. Almost immediately. And no, my hubby did not come from within my group of friends. I don't know where he came from. But he came at the right time. I don't know if it was because I got married or because all my guys dispersed, but the female friends I did have at that time waned quickly.

And have stayed as such for the past almost five years. I've met some people, but have no desire to get to know these people or let them get to know me, the for real me. They know that I'm pleasant, and polite, and that I have a perfect marriage, all of which are lies by the way. I have two women who I spend my time with from time to time. But neither are like me. I am a scatter brain, meaning my thoughts are everywhere at once. I believe in UFO's, astral travel, matriarchy systems, talking to spirits, and nappy hair. Neither of these women are like that. My conversations are kept on general topics though they both have degrees and are very smart. But they think yoga and vegetarianism is a joke. I just cannot be myself. I am a nerd, and addicted to the internet and have had plenty of meaningful conversations with people I may never ever met, save avatar to avatar on the web. They don't get it.(Maybe they do. Maybe I'm being harsh?) And I don't give a damn if they never do.

But I think its just me. I'm too picky. I don't have this same problem with men.

I had a friend once who thought she should be my only friend. We broke up.

There was one who slept w/ my boyfriend in HS. So when she arrived to my college a semester ahead of me, she was sure to tell everyone all the grimy shit she did to me, except she said it was I who did it to her. She fucked, I mean flunked out a semester after I got there.

I had this white friend who thought she was blacker than me and called me nappy nappy dreadlocks (I had a perm) as a joke. She married some black thug who ain't tell his children's mother about her until after they married, he's been in and out of jail, no job, she supports with the same job we worked together at when we were 16. And thought we use to share clothes back then, she's 5 ft and at 200 lbs while I'm still in a size 2. And I have locs. Joke's on her I guess.

I attract crappy women I guess. But my fear is that I attract them because I am the crappy one? Do they reflect me? Boring, regular, liars, obsessive, possessive, negative, selfish, and deceitful. Maybe I am at fault because I am supposed to be like Jesus and accept everybody, flaws and all, and love them for who they rather than let who they are serve as a reason why they are unworthy of being my friend. Thank God I don't buy into Jesus... But still.

Maybe I am over thinking this. Who cares if I don't have friends? Outside of my family I have my best friend, my good friend my one friend fits all categories because there's no one else. And even that life line seems to be thinning lately. Inside my family I have my husband and Sun.

Am I whining?

It just feels as though the world is too damn big for me to be So disconnected.

Maybe I'll feel better after sleeping on it.

Feel free to leave your thoughts.

Peace.

My seven cycle

So I've always known, but come to appreciate even more today, that my life works out in these seven year cycles. Most understand seven is a divine number. But seven is also my number. I recognized it from the time I was six and wanted to be seven badly and decided it was my number forever. Numerologically, it is also my number. I feel this simply represents my direct cosmic connection to the ethers, various dimensions, ancestral spirits and of course, source energy. As a human being, it has manifested itself in the way my life has played out. Seven years after I lost my virginity, I got married (yes I was a baby). Seven years from when I initially began, I obtained my bachelor's. I overindulged in herbal remedies, trying to soothe my depression, for seven years before I was forced to quit. I also suffered depression for seven years. This year, I finally feel I am the woman I aimed to become once I was able to decide exactly what it is that is me. I defined all that in 2002. Today is 2009, seven years. It was a work in progress, an will continue to evolve, but I can say I have reached my initial vision.

So, in 2002, I decided I wanted to be happy in my skin. I no longer wanted other people's perceptions, ideas and socialization to affect how I carried myself. Because before that point I did. I had a friend, a negative little girl, who was the official naysayer to whatever I expressed interest in. When I would attempt to wear my hair out in an afro, people would say stuff like, "who she think she is? Erykah Badu wannabe." I'd go and tie my hair down. Oh, how could I forget? My last perm was in 2002. Seven years ago and now I have made this final dedication to loc'ing my hair without taking it down or cutting it for at least 6 years. Maybe I'll switch it to seven just in case. So in 2002, I met some great people who were all at various stages of fighting to be themselves. Everyone was nappy. I decided I no longer desired to have the latest fashion just because its what everyone else was wearing (it never felt right on me). I began to speak openly about what I believed and my perceptions on various ideas in the classroom even if it went completely against the grain of what everyone else was saying. I spoke firmly but would always end my statements with, "I don't even know if I'm making any sense," as a way provide a disclaimer, or apologize for what I said. But people began to smile, the "normal" people, black kids and professors with the latest styles, the cool kids, the greek people, girls with weave wraps. The moment I felt I was becoming new was the day in class when we discussed the idea of black women having to make a choice between careers and having a family. While most of the class said there was no choice, I argued that even if you get married, have kids AND a career, something would suffer. You can either be a super mom and be mediocre in your job or be a ball buster, pulling in loot and respect, but having to rely on sitters, teachers and television to raise your child. I have since re-evaluated my position, but that day, in 2002, when I made my five minute long comment, no one said a word afterwards. I felt as I must have said the dumbest thing. Then my professor leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head and asked, "class?" They broke out in applause. I still get red faced thinking of it. But at that moment, I began to understand I had very different ideas and it only served for the greater of all to be sure they were heard. Today, seven years later, I am taking steps to ensure I just don't say whatever whenever. Rather, I want to implement what I know will make a difference. I started my first blog back in 2002 and since that time I've been told several times over I should write a book. I always figured I would, but I also figured who would want to read it if it's not about sex? You see, I would only want to write with a black audience in mind. Because that is what makes the most sense to me. That is who I am and who I aim to help. I don't know what it is that I will write on, but it will be something. I just am now pulling it together. I just now have the conviction that I can accomplish something like a book. Previously I thought it was procrastination and laziness that would hold me back. But once I determined it was depression that tied my hands and mind down, and after being able to pinpoint the source of that depression, I feel as I have emerged the woman I always wanted to be.

I had more to say, but something just threw me terribly off.

married forever?

This blog is in response to a comment made on an earlier entry. I'm reposting it here as it is anonymous and to give background:

Mrs. Wonderful,

In the past year I have been thinking about a similar sentiment, but it is definitely hard to get past because of our socialization. You said, "the expectation that as humans we are only to bind ourselves to one singular individual for the entirety of our lives despite how we and they may evolve, is rubbish".

I want to hear more of your thoughts on this either here in reply or in another blog (look at me making requests). I ask because currently, I have been married for 6 years, but have been seperated for the last year. He is dating and Lord knows I'm trying (can't seem to meet anyone though). I feel the need to explore and see my options. However, there is a gnawing part of me that says, you should try and work it out. He has begged to the point of tears several times. It's not that I think we have evolved in seperate directions (we have, but I think with this distance we've had from each other, there is the potential to overcome that challenge), it's moreso that I love the man, but don't feel all the romantic stuff anymore. I really don't want to be out of his life in absolute terms, but I want to feel romantically inspired by the one I chose to love. I always ask myself if I'm being silly, because all I'm asking for is "infatuation"--And I wonder if I am holding out for infatuation only to end up in the same place in years to come---or whether or not this is the end and the both of us should really begin the legal process????????? Of course, I don't expect you to have the answers, I just wanna hear more on your views as they may challenge my own.

So I'll attempt to tackle this. :-)
I am currently convinced that marriage as we understand it in the U.S. is a load of crock. In advance, for anyone who is devoutly Christian this may be hard to digest, but this is just my sentiment. The whole, you are bound to a singular individual to have and to hold, till death do you part, just is unrealistic. Think about it. When you get married, this person is your romantic partner for life. They also become like a sibling. A business partner. Depending on you situation, they may control or spend all your money. Sometimes, they become that child you never asked for. The relationship becomes multifaceted. You may be fortunate enough to be ones of those people who claim, "my spouse is my best friend," but everyone who I know who is married has a best friend elsewhere. My point is, it is very difficult to remain head over heels infatuated once you know everything there is to know about your spouse.

Beyond that, why should we be expected to limit ourselves from potentially cosmic connections of various sorts with various individuals once we have decided to form a family with one person? Currently, I cannot find the article, but I read a piece on a group in Northern Nigeria when doing research on concubines. This particular society is a patriarchal one, however, women are also permitted to have what we would define as concubines. The term they use for them is iko m'bara, until I am corrected otherwise. The iko lives on the property with his own hut and is essentially at the beck and call of the husband as far as chores and other domestic work goes. However, he is the lover of the wife and only her. She may keep him as long as she pleases and when either of them decide that their attraction has wore off, he is free to leave. If he should impregnate the wife. the husband claims the kids no question. Among this group they have a saying, something to effect of sex is sweetest among lovers. And think about it. Marriage essentially becomes utilitarian for most. Sex with a spouse often becomes a chore and is not as thrilling as it was initially. Romance tends to leave because their is no longer a need to please one another. Your already contractually bound. It's a done deal. Am I saying go get yourself and iko? No. I'm just presenting the thought that what we "know" to be right changes when you cross the water. In many matriarchal societies, women are free to divorce as often as they choose and no looks down on them. Issues of paternity are none existent because children belong to the mother's family and generally have an uncle as a father figure whether or not their biological father is around. If he is around, he is busy raising his sister's children. And life seems to go smoother, at least from the tiny bit I have gathered so far.

I have to ask this: are you dating with the intention of finding a someone? Or dating to just enjoy different people's company? Dating to find "someone" is damn near impossible I think because no single individual can possess all the qualities each of us look for in partners. However, in seeking to enjoy people's company and appreciate different unique human traits, I think you, or anyone will find those qualities in different people. I think this is where infatuation comes in. I understand where you are coming from. That brand new feeling, every time you see your loved one's face or hear their ringtone is so special. I miss it myself. :-( You can try to do many things to get it back, but the attempts have to be made on both person's parts. And even so infatuation never lasts so would both would have to be dedicated to recreating these feelings over and over again. Or, you have to deaden yourself to become complacent and satisfied with lack of. But doing so, I believe, would do great disservice and detriment to yourself. That's why I suggest meeting many different people. This doesn't mean one needs to be romantically involved with all of those people, and is doesn't even mean it has to be a man/woman type of relationship. Meeting someone who inspires you to improve on yourself can be just as infatuating as meeting that person who causes you to tingle. There's so many different ways to explain this. The best way, I think is to share the thought I have for myself.

In my mind, (and all married people think about this) I have considered what would I do should I ever unfortunately separate from my husband. I have determined that would not like to be married again, but rather would be sure to surround myself with contientiously like minded individuals. I would seek to create lasting friendships with males and females. When romantic scenarios present themselves, I would enjoy them while it lasts understanding that the other individual involved is their own individual and I would never try to own them for myself. That, in itself, is an attempt at slavery. As for the father of my child, I would never cast him out my life completely. I love him deeply and he is a wonderful person. I imagine I would always be "available" for him as I would for any person I love and admire as much. Of course, this is all based on hypothetical future projections of my Utopian imagination.

Your husband wants to be back with you and you are considering it but still seem to be on the fence. You have to truly ask yourself if you do want to be stuck to one person forever and ever. You only have this life for all we know. Whatever you decide HAS to be what you want for yourself and not based on someone else's pleading. I think it is possible to remain in one another's lives while not necessarily being "exclusive." I guess most would call this open marriage, but the connotations of that term is not what I mean. I'm not condoning swinging or multiple spouses. But I am offering not limiting ourselves to what we have been taught is supposedly right and acceptable.

I want to thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to discuss these ideas. I didn't get as deep as I would like, but perhaps for another post. What should I talk about next?

2 month loc update

This is what i started with March 30th, 2009.

This is a week ago and the two days ago.

Dont talk to me... I wont respond accordingly

I went to the gym yesterday and I think a trainer tried to hit on me. I dunno. Maybe trainers are supposed to be extra friendly and smiley? I hope hubby don't give other folks the vibes I got from dude. (Here's where my socialization and higher understanding collide.) Probably not though. Hubby's idea of romantic is, "if you put Sun to sleep we can do something before the highlights come on." No joke. Point is, that is one of the reasons why I don't like to work out without him. I feel so awkward having people make passes at me. I'm actually fine with little ghetto boys saying "Aye! Aye gurl!" because all I have to do is keep going. I been dealing with nonsense my whole life. I don't take that serious. But the second a man, with sense, comes correct, it's so weird. I think this is because I never managed to make it farther than the college dating scene, read: the real world. Hubby and I got together after a series of coincidental meetings. So when real world people express interest, I play dumb, smile and look for my husband. He's like my protector. I actually don't like that kind of attention. I feel violated, and awkward and vulnerable. I'll share: I once had a boyfriend for over a year in college just to say I had one so people would leave me be. I didn't even like him. He annoyed me and we saw each other once every few months. In fact the way I broke up with him was to say I now had hubby. I tired to break up with before that. He kept acting like his phone was going out. I moved apartments and refused to tell him where I moved to. He thought he'd convince me one day to marry him and just stay home and manage household affairs. He came from an affluent family who said he needed to find a wife. He thought I was her... Ok, I don't know where I intended to go with that. But he sucked. I'm quite content with hubby and Sun. It means I never have to deal with drama (unless he invites it which he won't) I never have to wonder where a man is, what he's doing or who he is with. My lifelong curiosity over who I'd marry and what my kid would be like has now been quenched. I have so much energy to put into other things. Like thesis, and making money and spreading knowledge and wealth, traveling, growing food, and of course, playing in makeup!

Eyeshadow, Sneezing, and Africana Intellect

Hubby, the future dietitian, said he thinks coffee is my culprit. I think so too. Weening myself will NOT be fun.

So recently, my youtube browsing has created an new hobby. I went from having 2 Maybelline eyeshadow trios to this:


Not much except it's been acquired in a matter of weeks. I've more since I snapped that pic. I LOVE the youtube contests that get you to try different looks. But I seem to be color blind or something when it comes to putting these things together. Yesterday, me and the sis played with my stash:



Since I woke up I haven't stopped sneezing. I think it's the over abundant sta sof fro in my hair at the moment. My hair kept falling in my face today. But when I had my wrap on earlier, that was really the only time my sneezes left. So I hope that's it. When we woke this morning Sun told me I was hot. I didn't think nothing of it. Til' hubby said the same. Then I started feeling yucky. THEN, I thought I was only feeling yucky because I was thinking I might be sick. So I cleaned up my kitchen, arranged for the kid to get picked up and headed to the gym. That's when "it" happened (see below). Maybe it was a mixture of caffeine withdrawal and being slightly under the weather.

Anyway, I want to feel better.

I started a new book the other day, The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts. I'm feeling it thusfar but can't fight the feeling that this largely does not apply to African American women. I got to thinking, maybe there isn't much that DOES apply to African American women in regards to feminism other than it being the white woman's realm. There could be something worth exploring here. I've only recently begun to delve into the realm of Audrey Lorde. I think many may dismiss her on a personal level because she is a lesbian. I had slowly begun to consider just this semester that perhaps, when I begin my PhD studies, I will focus on African Feminisim. During this past decade, I have shyed away from anything even remotely associated with feminism, women's rights and so forth. WHY? Somehow, somewhere I picked up the awful idea that people would think I'm a lesbian, and a bitch, if even assumed to perhaps be interested in feminism. Fortunately for me, I have an awesome muse. Said muse informed me those ideas were largely outdated. No one thinks that way anymore. Outdated is correct. Thougtwise, incorrect. Just as someone convinced me of this foolishness, others have been convinced as well. For instance: the car I recently acquired had this god awful orange construction looking sticker stuck to it which read: "Woman Working." It annoyed me only because it appeared to me to be such an in your face, I am woman hear me roar, feel to it. Not my steelo. But hubby, dear god, he HATES it. He said, "I can't have everyone thinking your into this American Feminist crap." No, he's not American. But why does it have to be crap. Personally, I don't think he really understands what feminism is. And honestly I didn't until I began to slowly give it a chance sometime last fall. In fact, it was reading up on various African matriarchal systems that spurred my interests. "Marriage," as we know, appears to exists only within patriarchal societies across the global. Marriage is, in effect, the monopoly on another person's sexuality. In Matriarchal societies, there is no you belong to me. All this, I own you as my spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever and the expectation that as humans we are only to bind ourselves to one singular individual for the entirety of our lives despite how we and they may evolve, is rubbish. That is why we live in a nation of psychos. At least, that is my take.

But this is my area to expound on and I already shared too much.

I will hunt you down and kill you if you steal my idea. You've been forewarned. :-)

I just felt a need to get my intellect somewhere in this blog. My blog description is so much to live up to. It's what I ponder daily. My old blog was all over my descript, but alas, I grew out of it.

got my running shoes on

I had an anxiety attack at the gym just now. I think. I don't know why. But everything felt odd. I'm on the treadmill and I couldn't make it more than 10 minutes. I usually run/jog for 30 at the REC. Maybe it's cause I'm at a new gym? Am I anxious about new places? I've been here before. But always with my hubby. He was at work and Sun is with his auntie. After the treadmill, I went to the bathroom. Nothing. I noticed some spots on my shirt, my face with it's latest breakout. I didn't even look at my face. That was what I started doing that one summer. The summer before I couldn't take it anymore. I don't even know what "it" is or was only that my brain so no more and shut off cognitive reasoning leaving me very afraid. Of everything. Especially myself.

I left the bathroom and went to the bicep curl machine. I called hubby on my way to it. I told him I feel intimidated without him. He's a personal trainer. He knows what he is doing. He accompanies me to the gym and I him to the library. Fair trade. He told me what to get on. It didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. The weight was too light. It was too heavy. The bar was too low. The lady next to me kept switching machines. People do that. That's okay. I do that at the REC. Did she want my machine? Was she watching me? She would say if she needed it as a part of her circuit. Did she want my machine. I called hubby. I can't do this. I can't explain it. This is too much. He yells. And says to go ask one of the trainers. Out of the question. Why?
Why is asking for assistance out of the question? When I got to the library I have no problem. Shopping, I am definitely asking for help, more sizes, colors, sales, Whatever. Why is this different? I'm on my last set when this man walks around the machines and looks at me then turns when I look back. Someone else does it. I'm out of here. My heart's racing and I can't leave quick enough. The lady I noticed in front of me when I was running, she is talking with a trainer now. Why can't I do that? Why is it a battle? Because I don't have too. My hubby is a trainer. Why does he make me do this alone? What is my problem? Why am I feeling like this.....

I call him once I make it to the car. He says it's always something with me. I try to explain. This was different. It felt like people were looking at me. He says of course they were. You're new. They are going to look. Why do I have this anxiety though? Like the world was closing in on me. That's how it felt. He says my reasons for working out or anything I do is not anyone else's reasons. We are different. We live with purpose. People will be intrigued. I know this. And this is not a constant. I got over all this long ago. Why is it coming back now? Because i'm idle? He told me to go meditate or pray. PRAY!? To who? Because the universe was imploding and that included whatever it may be that I could pray to. It's chaos. With meditation I can go inside and sweep my clutter to the corners.

Meditate.

That worked. I got my answer. I ain't had no coffee today.

Dear Mama

I have this ongoing love/hate relationship with my mother. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I thought the problem was solved when I delivered the world's most gorgeous grandbaby for her to call her own. But that has seemed to only complicate matters. At ten months, I put him into daycare after acquiring my real estate license. Both my parents decided this act was a hostile one. I became the world's worst mother and my child was doomed to be molested or abused. "You can't expect stranger's to love your child!" is what I was told. And I didn't. I'd leave him there for four hours a day max. He's still at the same daycare. Three days week. We gave him the month off and were considering an entire summer off, but he keeps asking when can he go back to school. He's only three, but he has friends he misses. He's an only child (and will be, at least for a while)so the opportunity to play with other kids is a good one. In August, he will be in the preschool part of their program. We considered moving him to the PreSchool in the local school district or even headstart. Both would save us money, seriously. But he loves his school so much we are going to pay for him to continue at private PreSchool. He has college students as parents. Any money we get goes to bills. And the kid goes to a private PreSchool. Yes, I am a terrible mother. My mother thinks every decision I make for Sun is the wrong one. She basis this on the fact that it is not the decision she would have made. Several times over she says, "I'm not going to say anything else anymore." A week later she's telling me what I did wrong. Always.

About 3 weeks ago we visited her in Chicago. I do this often but limit myself to a 3 day 2 night stay. Any longer than that and I may want to commit suicide. This time I planned a Monday - Sunday stay. My brother was graduating on the Sunday. I figure the weekday couldn't be too bad. She works all day and doesn't make it home until about 7 in the evening. Unfortunately, we had a derecho storm in my town, which is also called and "inland hurricane," that took out power for a week the Friday before I was to go to Chicago. So we left early. I got to spend the whole weekend with my mother. Ignoring her jabs and low blows. "Why don't you comb that out of his head and let me braid it?" Sun's hair is locing. *SMH* Saturday, she told me I need to give her my schedule of activities so she knows what's going on each day. I didn't have any "schedule." Any friends I have remaining in Chicago are crappy and always forget to return calls, or that I'm there, or whatever. Ok, that's just one. The other sleeps all day because she bartends at night. The third, lives here, she was up there, but still. We don't do anything but go to each other's houses and watch TV, play with Sun, and cook. She kept demanding my schedule on Sunday and I told her, rather than stress and disappoint myself by calling folk to see what is going on, I won't do anything if this schedule is needed so badly. I was sincere. It didn't bother me none. I just wanted to relax anyway. I did decide to take Sun to the zoo. Mother was thrilled. She let me take the car, which by the way is a pothole magnet, and gave money for parking ($19 yikes!)and food and toys. We went to the zoo. He saw the penguins, a hippo's butt, rode the train, ate some popcorn, saw a wolf, and then there was the jungle treetops. Think of McDonald's playland, except suspended really high in the air. Oh Sun was all for it. No problem. I am a cool mom and had sanitizing wipes in my bag. Up he goes.



And two hours later, he's yet to come down. All the other kids come down when called. Mind you, they also had other kids they came with. If there had been another kid he came with, and that kid came when called, so would Sun. But no. He said he wasn't coming down. At one point he climbed to the highest point and said he was going to sleep. I feared that threat was real. Which meant me, in my pretty mommy makeup, heels, and cutesy outfit, would have to climb up and in this thing to retrieve my child. Finally, he asks if he could take off his socks. YES! I tell him he has to climb all the way out the exit and I would take them for him. This works. He tells me as he makes his way down, "we're not going home." I hate to betray him, but as soon as he got to me, I snatched his behind up and straight to the bathroom we went. He will remember that moment. Even now, he no longer outright defies, but slowly makes his way to us when called from the park and playlands. Come to think of it, since that time he has not cried when leaving those places which he ALWAYS did. Point is, I told my mother all this. She had a fit. I obviously have no control over my child. Children are to be molded exactly the way we want them to be. She NEVER experienced what I am with my Sun (mind you I'm having a ball). I got to thinking, hmmm..... yep, she molded us pretty well. Maybe that's why all three of us started herbs by 14? One of my brother's just got his degree from and artsy school, that should explain him. The other is about to spend five years in high school. And me, I'm a hippie who let my hair loc into a bird's nest one summer. I had four or five boyfriends another summer. I'm a proud career student. And I'm considering rearranging my family into and African Matriarchy. I'm pretty sure she saw never that coming.

See, my thing is, not only does she have no issue with inserting her opinion, she also believes it's okay to tell me what a failure I am as a mother. She can't believe I don't give my child beef or bacon. Or that he eats at random times. Or that he is not a fat butterball. She told my father I am starving my child. My Sun is slim and has muscles. I don't know anyone who is suffering from starvation with muscles. He's three and has muscles!!! She also told me, with her hand about a foot from the ground, I'm that little. And that I will always only be a child to her. So whatever I have to say doesn't matter. Hmmm.... what she said didn't bother me, but that she actually attempts to say hurtful things does. This is why when I left for college in January 2001, I have never been back to her home for longer than two weeks since. I just don't get it. Then I think, maybe all parents are severely condescending and insulting of their children. Maybe it's me. Maybe telling her I refuse to allow anyone to consistently negatively criticize me for the sake of making themselves feel better, was wrong. She also told me people who can't take criticism are weak and will be ate alive. Come to think of it, I didn't say I can't, I said I won't. I just don't get it. Why fight with me? We are not competing for anything. Maybe she thinks so. She keeps saying I'm not smarter than her no matter what I think. I never thought I was. Or said so.

This stresses me because I really want her to be nice and loving and not evil. She's not evil. She's hateful. I didn't go to my brother's graduation. My husband came up that Thursday to pick up my Sun. His parents, who live in the Bahamas, were going to be in Indiana for his sister's track meet. It bumped with bro's graduation, so the plan was for him to grab the kid so he can spend time with his other grandparents. I just left as well. There was no way I was going to stick around that woman by myself. I could have went to my father's house. But his wife thinks I'm possessed with demons. No joke. They're Jehovah's Witnesses. Long story. I have decided I will no longer visit my parents unless I have my own hotel. And have brought my car. **sighs**

Future Projecting

My goals, though several and seemingly scattered are all lining up nicely together. I want to get on this EEOC contract thing my friend is teaching me. There is serious money like I never previously imagined, to be made with this. I also want to live in the Bahamas with my family, get a PhD in Atlanta, and be my happy earthy self, while becoming an angel investor for this up and coming music cat/friend. The idea is to fund him, get him gigs across the world, and go see all, if not most, of those shows. That's what I want to do. But now I see it all. I can do the contract gig now and forever until I tire of it. Still go to Emory and get a fellowship, buy a condo in Atlanta that I live in during the week while teaching/school/whatever/ and fly to Nassau each weekend. It's really not that expensive. We can get our house built right on the in-laws land. Rent the condo out in the summer/ over holidays/ whenever and just be happy. As far as friend, I'll be sure at least 2-3 contracts each month are dedicated entirely to him. That's two- three thousand dollars of charity; Tax deductible. I'm so smart. Hubby can do whatever he pleases for money as it don't matter how much he make really. Oo, and I'll have a garden in Nassau, and fruit trees and we need cold storage, in the ground. Femi can go to school wherever. Maybe by then Hubby's friends can get an Africentric school going, if not, I'll probably school him in ATL because they have many of those to choose from there. I really look forward to my future!

I've been so BLLLAAAHHHH lately. :-(

My face keeps breaking out. So I'm trying to drink more water. My head keeps itching. So I'm trying to drink more water. I feel like my stomach is getting bigger. 8-O So i'm drinking more water. I think I'm just bloated. I have so many different things I want to do this summer. I am going to be doing some contract work for a friend. Stay at home work. Yippee! Imma go see my mama for 2 weeks. This should be a tad interesting. I am starting to write my thesis. Plan out projects/events for next semester. Community Service. I plan to get alot of that in. I always feel great afterward and my blahs have GOT to go. My kid keeps getting sick. He's coming out of daycare for a month to be at home. I BET he will stop getting sick!

Let's see, over the weekend I was officially inducted into our Black Affairs Council Hall of Fame. I almost shed tears. Seriously.

Anyway...

Today's facebook status:

For real, if I hear one more person Say "O-M-G" aloud imma slap 'em silly. It's an abbreviation for typing/text. We don't abbreviate speech. Who actually says PPL WTF WTH OMG IDK JK BTW GTFOHWTBS? Losers who watch TV all day and think the Stanky Leg is a good dance. You are a disgrace to humanity. I hope your mushy brains seep out your cranial cavities so we can be done with you quick. Yea, I said it...

You can visit my FB here: my facebook

J*Davey "Let's Get Together"

Lately...

So lately I've really gotten into youtube, which sounds weired to me. I've always been on youtube and used it to look up vids and other info or kill time by watching silly stuff. But lately I turned to it to get help for my own hair and have been inspired by many locked sistahs on there who are not only v-logging about hair, but health, spirituality and everything else. I registered with a new account and began my own v-logs. I'm not sure the direction just yet. I have some poetry and a comment for nappturality and an S.O.S for my hair. I really want to get some type of wider audience. I'm contemplating ways to do so. I'm slowly getting back into Nappturality as well. My thing says since 2006 and I only have 300 or so comments. Back in the day something screwy happened on the site and alot of folks got reset. It should say 2004 but eh, no biggie I suppose.

GOALS
I am still wanting to go to Emory and sooooo am looking forward to getting to Atlanta! But there are other things I aim to do sooner and later. I'll just list them:
new tattoos, this summer.
learn to sew with a machine.
learn to play the guitar.
grow my locs LONG.
become a little muscle lady.
learn how to do my own makeup well.
mazda3 5-door. I love that thing. in black.

there's more im sure but i feel like snapping pictures.
PEACE!

StaceyAnn Chin

New favorite poet:

Laws of Attraction:

Yes, i'm an avid "The secret" fan, and I believe in the laws of attraction. In fact i've attracted much thus far. I promise to make a list of all that i've received thus far, but for now, I wanted to list the things I want to attract.

*Now that I am officially in my History M.A. program, I want to be accepted to Emory University for the PhD program in African History. It is number 9 in the country.
*Upon being accepted, I want to be offered The Emory Graduate Diversity Fellowship, to last my entire time of study.
*When I begin my PhD studies I want to live in a modern, spacious, two bedroom apartment with dishwasher and washer and dryer in a multi-unit apartment building complete with security and free wireless hi-speed internet. This apartment will be $800 or less per month and include water, a dedicated parking space and have a lot of sunlight.
*I want to receive my Master's in History with a 4.0 cumulative GPA.
*I want to complete my Master's program in History in August 2010.
*I want to begin the PhD program in African History in the Fall of 2010.
*I want to obtain and fully own a black Mazda3 hatchback before I move to Atlanta.
*I want to live in Atlanta, Georgia when I begin working on my PhD.
*I want Femi to attend an African-centered school in Atlanta and for him to begin that schooling at 4 years old.
*I want my locs to be bra strap length without stretching by August 2010.


I am currently on track to graduate with my M.A. in August 2010. My husband, however, will not be finished with his program until Spring 2011. We have decided that we will not prolong my time here, but that I will go ahead and move to Atlanta with our Sun. I want a two bedroom so we can be comfortable though a large one bedroom will be fine for Sun and I. However, we are seeking for hubby to be placed into a dietetics internship at Emory University Hospital once he completes this degree. This internship will take up all of his time and is unpaid. So if I already have a two bedroom, it will be fine to keep once he arrives. While we are living separately, we want him to have a position as a resident adviser in the dorms or as a dorm parent at the local private high school. In fact, we are seeking for him to get one of those positions for this upcoming fall. For the most part, we live off of my grad money now which is absolute minimal. He works part-time once a week which is less than part time but also does a few personal training sessions. We get by fine. When he begins at the hospital, we will completely rely what I bring in, but I think that is fine. We completely own our cars and anything we receive in the future will be the same way. I know living simply for a few years will pay of manifold in the future.

Righteous Black Hair!!

For the umpteenth time this decade, I have decided to loc my hair. I am dedicated this time. Upon receiving my Bachelor's and beginning graduate school, I said I would to show my dedication to education and my goals, a toast to my grown-up life sort a speak. I started in January, stopped and started again. But it's official for real this time. I am going to attack this via two strand twist. In addition, we'll be loc'ing Sun's hair. It's finally thick enough. Anyway, here's an attempt from earlier this year: I was having fun with my webcam, as you can see.
Yesterday, I decided I was moving forward. This is a before pic:
and this is an after. After being a day after I twisted and steamed via my regular shower and slept on:



For more hair, visit my fotki:http://public.fotki.com/sumkindawndrful/
Or you can visit my FAVORITE hair site: http://nappturality.com