Beating the brick wall

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I am smack dab in the middle of a life change right now. In two days, I officially begin my graduate program (though I did spend last semester in graduate school) and I begin my teaching career as a TA. Career wise, I hope to be a professor. And all professors begin as TA's. I had my training last week and also orientation for my department. And as confident as I usually pretend to be, I began to freak right out yesterday. My entire day went wrong. Nothing of serious note happened, but I did feel an overwhelming sense of overwhelment (as a scholar, I get to make up words). So what did I do? I called my husband hoping that he could offer some encouragement and sympathy. More so, sympathy. Look, I know I will get through this. I know this is simply my anxiety factor taking over. All the encouragement and motivation in the world I already contain within myself. But every so often, I need someone to say, "Honey, it's okay to feel this way. But you know you will do good."

My husband has no sympathy.

He has been my official ass kicker since we married almost five years ago. He pushes me to get things done. Which is very ironic since it seems that there are tasks that would be impossible for him were it not for me to walk him through every single tiny step. So in a sense, we push each other. And that is awesome. But, he never goes easy. His idea of easy is, "I didn't say anything and now I can't take it." From one extreme to another. Whenever I try to explain this to him, he will find a way to justify his reasoning based on my inability to do x, y and or z. My husband is a wonderful dad. And he is a hard worker. And, technically, at the moment, he has four part time jobs, a full time class schedule, he is the "president" (they have some Greek term for it, but I can't spell it) of the graduate chapter of his fraternity here, he is the father of my child, and, did I mention, he is my husband.

I just cannot take it anymore.

I try to reason with myself: He is not abusive; He does not cheat; He is not cruel; He is a wonderful father; He nursed me back to (if I ever had it previously at all) mental health; He has introduced me to my physical health. But I constantly feel inadequate. And I find myself despising him.

My husband is also permanent resident. At times, I speak for him when taking care of red tape matters because I know how to "talk" to get things accomplished and it seems like he can't find the words to begin. I worry that he would not be able to function optimally without me. I feel guilt.

Several times throughout the day, yesterday, I called him to say I was stressing out. Each time he responded to the effect of, I can't think about stress, I just have to do what I have to do. I told him I felt overwhelmed. He said not to focus on negative. After a very stressful morning and afternoon of running around from office to office, I had to drive two hours to the airport to pick up his sister and two hours right back. When I got to the city, of course there was stop and go, but mostly stopped, traffic. I wanted to rip the steering wheel off the car and beat all the horrific drivers with it. When I returned to our town, rather late, I had to stop at Wal-mart to pick up some much needed household items, which also meant negotiating with my child as to what he could and could not get, toy-wise. I returned home, and my husband should have just been walking through the door at the same time except the person who was to relieve him was not coming in. So husband was late, though he had explained it. When he had explained it, I was a bit non-understanding regarding the person who was irresponsible. I was not upset at my husband, but I let him know that the situation did not make me happy. When he walked through the door, I attempted to just throw myself in his arms. I badly needed a hug. I am a hugger. It makes everything better. For him, hugs cannot possibly correct anything. He has said so. I got a one arm pat on the back and was told I was too mean today to deserve a hug.

I cannot take this any longer.

I want to tell him, just withdraw from school, take the baby, and go back to the Bahamas. I'll see you guys on break.

I need a break.

Maybe after being apart awhile, we will appreciate one another.

I keep trying to make my spouse the person I turn to when I need an ear. But he never fails to instead explain why I need an ear and how I could do better to not find myself in such situations. I just want him to be my person. I'm his person. He is my inferiority complex. I know better. So why does this make my chest hurt?


Saturday, August 15, 2009

Two more days and it begins. THE SEMESTER. Doesn't that seem so foreboding? It's not. Technically classes do not start until the 24th, however my teaching assistant training does begin on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it. Until this point, I have only advised students and I always approached it in a older sister kinda way. All my students were African American. Now it's going to be different. I will be leading a "discussion" section for a history lecture. I will, of course, be attending the lectures. World history isn't something I keep foremost in my mind. African American history, KMT, and African, we can start talking. But I definitely needs some brushing up for World History. Being a Grad TA is a new role for me. It is like the official beginning of what I hope to be a long and fruitful career as an academic...

current mood a la J*Davey

Friday, August 7, 2009

Syracuse University has 10 Full Rides for African American Men and Women Interested in Studying Architecture

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Hi everybody,
This could be a great opportunity for you or someone you know. Spread the word!
Syracuse University has 10 Full Rides for African American Men and Women Interested in Studying Architecture

Mark Robbins, Dean of Syracuse University's School of Architecture is desperately seeking young men and women of color interested in pursuing a five year professional degree in Architecture. He says he's deeply committed to bringing diversity to his field and has scholarship money set aside to fully cover education costs for 10 students. He says that Hispanic enrollment in the school has increased substantially, but it's been harder to attract Blacks. Syracuse University School of Architecture has a great reputation and this seems like a terrific opportunity, so please pass this on to everyone you know.

Mark Robbins, Dean, School of Architecture (315) 443-2256
School of Architecture
Syracuse University
201 Slocum Hall
Syracuse , NY 13244-1250
(315) 443-2256

Goapele - "Milk and Honey"

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

After a four year hiatus Goapele is BACK!!!

Milk and Honey - Goapele from goapele on Vimeo.

A brand new day!

Monday, August 3, 2009

I have become to refocus on all the things I want for myself. I sometimes wonder I lose focus in the first place but quickly drop those those thoughts. All that matters is from here on in. Now and the future. I can accomplish all I put my mind to regardless of rules and or expectations. I am going with what feels right.

Right now, I have my sights set on this winter and our vacation to the Bahamas. This will be my third time visiting and I'm staying for just over two weeks. I am thrilled about his particular visit because I have four friends visiting as well. And my sister in law has 2 friends coming. We're calling it our Bahamas Slumber Party. We'll spend New Years and New Years Eve in Atlantis and Aquaventure. We will spend a day in Eleuthera the Island known for it's beautiful pink sands. Boxing Day parade, Bay street, the Christmas Carnival, all of it we will visit. Personally, my favorite thing to do is shop in the Straw Market. It's a knock off girl's dream!

Yesterday I cam across a and feel as though a breath of new life has been given to me. To see a black women speaking so openly and matter of factly about marriage, relationships and sex in the way she does made me stand up and say, "Yes!" Seriously. I have had similar ideas myself for awhile and have always believed it is perfectly okay to love more than one being at a time. Because of the way our society functions and because I made a promise when I got married, I have acknowledged time and again there is a different and better way to go about our notions on love and marriage but "honored" marriage in the way that is expected of me. But I am thinking it is time for us to head into a new direction. All the research in my academic life is pointing me here, my own life experiences has pointed me her, and randomly youtubing pointed me here. All signs point to go, so it is time to make a move.

You can check out Jujumama at or check out the video below.

Additionally, I decided I HAVE to purchase her book:

You can find out more about this at

I just am moving forward, and it feels so good. Working out and watching my body being to take the shape I've wanted for it is invigortating! I am beginning to feel sexy at all times without having to put on certain clothes or makeup! The purchase of the new blender/emulsifier is exciting as well. I signed up for a 21 day food challenge. Suddenly it seems so much easier than I ever expected!!! I already love to eat leafy greens and prefer "liquid breakfast." I can see myself going like this permanently. Well, maybe like 90% of the time. I do love seafood.

So many good things have happened to me suddenly! First, and this may seem little, but I order a print from

I saw it over a month ago after finding Jaishi on Twitter. I wanted to order it right away but decided to wait. After following Jaishi for a while, she posted a buy one get one free sale. I was thrilled. I ordered my two prints for the price of one and it came withing a week. They are so beautiful! She also included two stamps with images of her other paintings on them as well as a smaller print for free! I already know I will be ordering something else from her soon!

So the second thing that happened is I received a facebook message from one of the groups I admin on that site. Basically, the creator was asking all of the admins if we were still interested in helping with the group. I know I had shrugged off my duties for awhile and apparently so had others. I decided to step up to the plate again not only for that group but also for a smaller group I had created which between 600 and 700 members. Within a week, I received an email from Chris-Tia Donaldson, author of the book Thank God I'm Natural! She asked if I could possibly spread the word about her book to all of my group members and in return she would send me a copy of the book. I jumped at the opportunity. My book arrived within a week signed by her! I was so delighted. It's a great book, especially for anyone considering going natural. A how to guide for natural hair. I truly wish I had this years ago. I am not saying that because I got a free book, but because it is really that good!

Finally, I made a youtube video with an update of my locs, as seen below. I tweeted about it, and the owner of one of the blogs I admire asked if she could repost my vid on her blog! It's there now, go check it out. I just woke up feeling so brand new today deciding only good things can happen in my life and they are!

Peace and love everybody!

4 month loc update

Sunday, August 2, 2009

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