Monday, November 30, 2009
I got a B on this stupid paper. I feel like I slighted myself somehow. The prof said it seems rushed. It was! Everyone of her stupid papers are rushed. I have to read two friggin books a week and then you want me to write on them. Imma have to tell her. I don't understand have the shit in those books. They're talking Foucault and Bauhaus, Marx and whoever else that is white. I'm just tired of it. I don't get it. The class discussions are damn near impossible for me to get a word in edgewise and whenever I do I sound like the other black girl in the class sounds to me. Like I'm making stuff up as I go along. I read, I actually read these books. I'm absorbing it and attempting to apply it somehow, but now I officially feel like a fraud. FAILURE. Yes, I know, it is a "B" but I am NOT a "B" student. I am exceptional. Bottom line. I have to be to compete with these kids because this is history. Not only is it a white world but it's a white man's world, history is, I mean. I'm going to re write the stupid paper and the one I just handed her. Goddammit.
Posted by Sum Kinda Wonderful... at 3:39 PM
Sunday, November 8, 2009
At times I claim to have defeated my greatest enemy. Other times, it just feels so comforting, like an addict I suppose. I'm not blue at the moment, but the other day, I told myself if I would just give in for but a moment, I could pull myself right back out. I said it would make everything feel better. So I did. I told my Sun mommy didn't feel well and needed a nap and if he could just please play in the front and watch TV I would feel better in a moment. Three hours later, I did feel better, my Sun was happy to see me up. I noticed a stool had been pulled up next to the stove and the pan of muffins hubby had left on there before he went to work was empty. The kid had fended for himself. Thank god he hadn't found a need to attempt operation of the oven. I would have had to act on one of many thoughts I had as I drifted into my depression induced sleep had any catastrophe ensued for neglecting my Sun in order to baby my own emotion.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Posted by Sum Kinda Wonderful... at 1:06 PM