Dear Mama

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I have this ongoing love/hate relationship with my mother. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I thought the problem was solved when I delivered the world's most gorgeous grandbaby for her to call her own. But that has seemed to only complicate matters. At ten months, I put him into daycare after acquiring my real estate license. Both my parents decided this act was a hostile one. I became the world's worst mother and my child was doomed to be molested or abused. "You can't expect stranger's to love your child!" is what I was told. And I didn't. I'd leave him there for four hours a day max. He's still at the same daycare. Three days week. We gave him the month off and were considering an entire summer off, but he keeps asking when can he go back to school. He's only three, but he has friends he misses. He's an only child (and will be, at least for a while)so the opportunity to play with other kids is a good one. In August, he will be in the preschool part of their program. We considered moving him to the PreSchool in the local school district or even headstart. Both would save us money, seriously. But he loves his school so much we are going to pay for him to continue at private PreSchool. He has college students as parents. Any money we get goes to bills. And the kid goes to a private PreSchool. Yes, I am a terrible mother. My mother thinks every decision I make for Sun is the wrong one. She basis this on the fact that it is not the decision she would have made. Several times over she says, "I'm not going to say anything else anymore." A week later she's telling me what I did wrong. Always.

About 3 weeks ago we visited her in Chicago. I do this often but limit myself to a 3 day 2 night stay. Any longer than that and I may want to commit suicide. This time I planned a Monday - Sunday stay. My brother was graduating on the Sunday. I figure the weekday couldn't be too bad. She works all day and doesn't make it home until about 7 in the evening. Unfortunately, we had a derecho storm in my town, which is also called and "inland hurricane," that took out power for a week the Friday before I was to go to Chicago. So we left early. I got to spend the whole weekend with my mother. Ignoring her jabs and low blows. "Why don't you comb that out of his head and let me braid it?" Sun's hair is locing. *SMH* Saturday, she told me I need to give her my schedule of activities so she knows what's going on each day. I didn't have any "schedule." Any friends I have remaining in Chicago are crappy and always forget to return calls, or that I'm there, or whatever. Ok, that's just one. The other sleeps all day because she bartends at night. The third, lives here, she was up there, but still. We don't do anything but go to each other's houses and watch TV, play with Sun, and cook. She kept demanding my schedule on Sunday and I told her, rather than stress and disappoint myself by calling folk to see what is going on, I won't do anything if this schedule is needed so badly. I was sincere. It didn't bother me none. I just wanted to relax anyway. I did decide to take Sun to the zoo. Mother was thrilled. She let me take the car, which by the way is a pothole magnet, and gave money for parking ($19 yikes!)and food and toys. We went to the zoo. He saw the penguins, a hippo's butt, rode the train, ate some popcorn, saw a wolf, and then there was the jungle treetops. Think of McDonald's playland, except suspended really high in the air. Oh Sun was all for it. No problem. I am a cool mom and had sanitizing wipes in my bag. Up he goes.

And two hours later, he's yet to come down. All the other kids come down when called. Mind you, they also had other kids they came with. If there had been another kid he came with, and that kid came when called, so would Sun. But no. He said he wasn't coming down. At one point he climbed to the highest point and said he was going to sleep. I feared that threat was real. Which meant me, in my pretty mommy makeup, heels, and cutesy outfit, would have to climb up and in this thing to retrieve my child. Finally, he asks if he could take off his socks. YES! I tell him he has to climb all the way out the exit and I would take them for him. This works. He tells me as he makes his way down, "we're not going home." I hate to betray him, but as soon as he got to me, I snatched his behind up and straight to the bathroom we went. He will remember that moment. Even now, he no longer outright defies, but slowly makes his way to us when called from the park and playlands. Come to think of it, since that time he has not cried when leaving those places which he ALWAYS did. Point is, I told my mother all this. She had a fit. I obviously have no control over my child. Children are to be molded exactly the way we want them to be. She NEVER experienced what I am with my Sun (mind you I'm having a ball). I got to thinking, hmmm..... yep, she molded us pretty well. Maybe that's why all three of us started herbs by 14? One of my brother's just got his degree from and artsy school, that should explain him. The other is about to spend five years in high school. And me, I'm a hippie who let my hair loc into a bird's nest one summer. I had four or five boyfriends another summer. I'm a proud career student. And I'm considering rearranging my family into and African Matriarchy. I'm pretty sure she saw never that coming.

See, my thing is, not only does she have no issue with inserting her opinion, she also believes it's okay to tell me what a failure I am as a mother. She can't believe I don't give my child beef or bacon. Or that he eats at random times. Or that he is not a fat butterball. She told my father I am starving my child. My Sun is slim and has muscles. I don't know anyone who is suffering from starvation with muscles. He's three and has muscles!!! She also told me, with her hand about a foot from the ground, I'm that little. And that I will always only be a child to her. So whatever I have to say doesn't matter. Hmmm.... what she said didn't bother me, but that she actually attempts to say hurtful things does. This is why when I left for college in January 2001, I have never been back to her home for longer than two weeks since. I just don't get it. Then I think, maybe all parents are severely condescending and insulting of their children. Maybe it's me. Maybe telling her I refuse to allow anyone to consistently negatively criticize me for the sake of making themselves feel better, was wrong. She also told me people who can't take criticism are weak and will be ate alive. Come to think of it, I didn't say I can't, I said I won't. I just don't get it. Why fight with me? We are not competing for anything. Maybe she thinks so. She keeps saying I'm not smarter than her no matter what I think. I never thought I was. Or said so.

This stresses me because I really want her to be nice and loving and not evil. She's not evil. She's hateful. I didn't go to my brother's graduation. My husband came up that Thursday to pick up my Sun. His parents, who live in the Bahamas, were going to be in Indiana for his sister's track meet. It bumped with bro's graduation, so the plan was for him to grab the kid so he can spend time with his other grandparents. I just left as well. There was no way I was going to stick around that woman by myself. I could have went to my father's house. But his wife thinks I'm possessed with demons. No joke. They're Jehovah's Witnesses. Long story. I have decided I will no longer visit my parents unless I have my own hotel. And have brought my car. **sighs**

Future Projecting

Thursday, May 7, 2009

My goals, though several and seemingly scattered are all lining up nicely together. I want to get on this EEOC contract thing my friend is teaching me. There is serious money like I never previously imagined, to be made with this. I also want to live in the Bahamas with my family, get a PhD in Atlanta, and be my happy earthy self, while becoming an angel investor for this up and coming music cat/friend. The idea is to fund him, get him gigs across the world, and go see all, if not most, of those shows. That's what I want to do. But now I see it all. I can do the contract gig now and forever until I tire of it. Still go to Emory and get a fellowship, buy a condo in Atlanta that I live in during the week while teaching/school/whatever/ and fly to Nassau each weekend. It's really not that expensive. We can get our house built right on the in-laws land. Rent the condo out in the summer/ over holidays/ whenever and just be happy. As far as friend, I'll be sure at least 2-3 contracts each month are dedicated entirely to him. That's two- three thousand dollars of charity; Tax deductible. I'm so smart. Hubby can do whatever he pleases for money as it don't matter how much he make really. Oo, and I'll have a garden in Nassau, and fruit trees and we need cold storage, in the ground. Femi can go to school wherever. Maybe by then Hubby's friends can get an Africentric school going, if not, I'll probably school him in ATL because they have many of those to choose from there. I really look forward to my future!

Monday, May 4, 2009

I've been so BLLLAAAHHHH lately. :-(

My face keeps breaking out. So I'm trying to drink more water. My head keeps itching. So I'm trying to drink more water. I feel like my stomach is getting bigger. 8-O So i'm drinking more water. I think I'm just bloated. I have so many different things I want to do this summer. I am going to be doing some contract work for a friend. Stay at home work. Yippee! Imma go see my mama for 2 weeks. This should be a tad interesting. I am starting to write my thesis. Plan out projects/events for next semester. Community Service. I plan to get alot of that in. I always feel great afterward and my blahs have GOT to go. My kid keeps getting sick. He's coming out of daycare for a month to be at home. I BET he will stop getting sick!

Let's see, over the weekend I was officially inducted into our Black Affairs Council Hall of Fame. I almost shed tears. Seriously.

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