The Uppity Down to Earth Black Chic

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I've been re-evaluating myself on the whole, my personality, how I come off to others, what I believe, yadda yadda ya. I know in my last post I was talking about how I find I have terrible friends. But I think at times I may also be a bad friend. Rather, I am bad at being a friend sometimes. Since my Sun has arrived, 3 years ago, I don't do phone conversations. Maybe no one does. But I can't sit on the phone and just talk about whatever. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to talk about. Maybe not. I know the times when I find I would like to have an in depth convo, hubby is always near by. And he likes to eavesdrop. Everything is not for him to hear. We are married and all, but my business is mine and his is his. I don't even go through his phone. NEVA.

Back to the point. I also mentioned previously there was a person who was trying to be a good friend to me, but I allowed my own insecurities to get in the way. There was more than one now that I have thought about it. In fact, I have a very good friend who served as an example and motivation for me. But previously, I always felt like I kept failing to live up to some imaginary standards for her; Meaning, I created a standard based on her wonderful example and failed to meet it by far and thus allowed myself to think she thought I was a failure as well. Thankfully, one thing I have learned in all my lonesomeness, try, try again. And today I am back on track. She is still a key motivation of mine and I made a move to contact her, let her know how I felt and she is coming to visit me! She is a person I can feel at home with, if you know what I mean.

I also realized I may come off as "holier than thou" to some people who may look up to me. Years ago, I recognized that people had begun to put on some type of pedestal. It was shared with me time and time again that something I had said or did had caused someone to make significant, positive, positive changes to their lives. More often than not, these were people who I did not know on a personal level. I was constantly recommended for various things, such as serving as master of ceremonies, sitting as a representative on board meetings, having dinner with distinguished guests and on and on. This was (and still mostly is) my life in the academic realm. I use to shrug off people's suggestions that I was so inspirational mostly because I felt I was a fraud. I don't feel that way anymore. However, I do fear that I have become a perfect example of what I detest. A self-righteous bitch. Let me clarify, some years ago, I knew this one chic who was nappier than thou, blacker than thou, more righteous than thou, all of it. She had the nerve to be a stuck up down to earth black girl. Me and my girl got a kick out laughing at her. She had no problem be rude and obnoxious to black people still in need of "waking up." Worse, she was even rudder to folks who were new, shall we say, to the black consciousness thing. She basically, had a BAD attitude and not Michael Jackson bad. We always did this thing where we'd have a gathering at someone's house on a weekend day so people could come and sing, or read poetry or whatever. It's was a means of stimulation and good company. At some point, after this girl left, I think, it was decided to be moved to my house. I agreed and ol' girls good friend suggested we call it by the same name it had when it had been at the girl's house like three or four years before. I wanted other names but agreed. It's what everyone else wanted. Do you know this chic called me and told me I had no right to call it that because people would think it was the same thing and it WAS NOT seeing as I was the person organizing it. (this is all her accusations) It was actually her friend organizing but whatever. I just wanted to share how damn uppity she was. Anyway...

The other day, I was in a preparation meeting for an event we have going on. Before we started, this girl I had previously done some events with asked me if I had twisted my hair again. No, I told her I was locking it. But I'm sure I may have made a face. Because I am told I make faces when people annoy me so I am sure I may have made some type of face when the girl suggested I had "twisted" my hair again. I know the last time I saw her at an event, her friend who came with her told me she didn't have "good hair" like me. I am positive I rolled my eyes and responded, "I get so sick of black people and this good hair bad hair non-sense." I know, it was mean. But I do, and I'm tired of being the polite teacher at times. It doesn't help that most of the people I act snobbishly towards are at least five years younger than me. At Least. I have attempted to curb my attitude by refraining from saying anything at all. However, people get to asking me questions in attempts to be my friend (ah, the irony). "What church do you go to?" "I don't go to church. I'm not Christian." "You're not Christian?!? Aren't you afraid to go to hell? OR I thought all black people were christian! OR How can you not believe in god?"

This gets much eye rolling and patronizing comments from me. Because I am tired of answering the same folly over and over again. I am just tired of being everyone teacher for things outside their realm. Go pick up a book or google it or ask ya professor. If you not in my classes, don't come to me!

I guess my point was that though this is how I think, this is most likely how I come off. Looking down my nose at folk though 90% of the people I run into are taller than me. I fear I've turned into the girl I mentioned earlier. And I don't want to be that person. But at the same time, I feel like I needn't be the spokesperson far all that you find "counter-culture." Sure, I eat healthy, do yoga, read reference books for fun, sleep to Buddhist chanting, loc my hair, have casual conversations with my ancestors, wear wraps on my head a dashikis with my jeans, married a foreigner, let my 3 y.o. make major decisions for himself, and out rightly speak against 9-5 jobs. But those are my decisions, and my life, and I feel it's personal. Additionally, when hearing statements, directed at me, about the way I go about my life that reflect your ignorance towards my lifestyle, I can't help but physically cringe. Sometimes I find myself surprised that close minded individuals still exist. I don't think we can afford to be in this day and age.

Funny, in the middle of typing all this I had a convo with a student who wandered into the museum. He mentioned that he is mentoring teens and his number one policy which he is firm on is no premarital sex. He's a nice guy, so I didn't bother countering. What's wrong with folks these days honestly?

Confessions of an Ex Fat Girl (Relationships)

Sunday, June 28, 2009

BeautifulBrwnBabyDol of youtube speaks esteem and changes in relationships as she lost weight. I sincerely appreciate this video though I may have never been at a point where others would have called me "fat," I think her remarks of relationships in general are worth sharing.

Anything goes? For real?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I am so fickle when it comes to relationships. In particular, friendships, between women. I have many, many female friends, meaning people that I am friendly with. Nice, amicable, we can kick it and have a nice time. There are many more people with whom I am polite with and together we can get things done if needed. But as far as close friends? ....uhm.... Let me think on this here.

I probably have someone who thinks she is a close friend because we can pick up where ever we left off, but I think she tends to forget she was always very private with herself towards me. Guarded is more like it. So whenever we DO talk, she always uses terms like, "remember I told you about?"... No. I don't. You never told me. I also never asked. If you don't share, that's your prerogative. But don't expect me to dig for info. She's always so surprised that I don't remember this and that, but then, she largely forgets she never told me in the first place. That doesn't bother me so much as when I did make a move to open up she felt obliged to share that info with the info :-/ I had a friend, she's still my friend, who I think tried to be close with me. But I couldn't be that close with her. To me, she came from this perfect background, mom and dad still together. About to get married to her first 7 year old crush. Came from the suburbs, and she could braid. I don't know what that had to do with anything, but at the time, I put her on a pedestal for it. Did I mention she's gorgeous? Which heightens the fact that I had some sever insecurities at that point. Still, everywhere we'd go, her, I and another third light skinned beauty, guys would drool over us. I think it really came down to my perception that she was more "pure" than I. She'd only been with one guy, ever and I obviously did not share that same fact. So the things that occupied my mind 23/7 I could not discuss with her. Yes, that often, sometimes I wonder if my brain should have been programmed as a man the way I go there....

For at least a year, I was severely paranoid of anyone trying to make friends with me. There was a girl who was friends with me only because it was convenient. For some reason, she had thought herself as "the" girl of our circle of friends though I knew all of our people before she showed up on the scene. She went so far as to tell me one day, "the group is me, him and him, you are not apart of the inner circle." 8-0. Lucky for me, to be considered the girl of a all male inner circle group of friends you have to be fuckable by said group of friends. As a heterosexual female I was fuckable, note the prefix -able and not -ed. Once when we all headed home for some break (we were all from the same city) I called her one evening to ask her to join me at some bar. She said she was going, but emphasized it was with some of her friends from home and I probably wouldn't be comfortable (emphasizing my heterosexual status here again). Another friend of ours called me and asked me to come out and kick it at the same place so I grabbed a cab. Do you know this heifer was there with "her" friends, OUR friends? I made a point to state the obvious and when we returned to school, our first dinner back in the caf together, everyone talked around her and not to her. When she started to say things to get attention, they started saying things like, "No one cares 'Susy'," and "Blah, blah, blah." Did I mention my guy friends were all tremendous assholes? But I loved it. They had planned to be rude to her before we went to dinner because I almost did not join them as a means to express my extreme disapproval of her behavior. They insisted and promised to treat her as she deserved. They ALL did. And I will again emphasize, I Loved It. Because I am an asshole at heart. She started crying and they kept going. Eventually, I stopped bothering to be bothered with her. Because while I genuinely offered my friendship to her time and time again, she had this imagined competition with me to be "the" girl. I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. In the long run, our friends are still My friends. And not so much her way. She got replaced.

After she left us, I had all sorts of randoms attempting to be my friend. One girl found me via BlackPlanet, yes that long ago. She claimed she was coming to our school and I looked like a cool person. Long story short, my ex, who was with her while were were together was now her boyfriend. He told her to befriend me. Random. But we, the homies and I, had been onto the whole game. We toyed with her and it was done. We began to frequent a local hangout for a while. It became Our spot. We were the regulars. But there was, regularly, a different group of girls each week there to support one of their own hoping one of my homies would get in their pants. I can't explain this phenomena nor do I care to understand, but it existed. These same girls would seek me out on campus and try to be overly friendly and buddy buddy with me, asking what was going on each night, offering I should give them my number so we could kick it. I will admit, I got a kick out of being an asshole. Mean. Just plain evil. Because they were not interested in me at all but apparently viewed me as a pawn to get to their king.

A typical convo:
them - hey girl what's goin on?
me - not a damn thing
them - ya'll kickin it tonight?
me - ya'll who?
them - you know, u and so and so
me - it's really none of your business


them - we should really kick it tonight
me - no we really shouldn't


them - hey! where's so and so?
me - do I fucking look like i carry him in my pocket?


them - is it hip hop night tonight?
me - why the fuck are you talking to me?


If at our spot and a "they" would ask if they could sit at a table with me I'd say "no," plain and simple.

Now if a "they" showed up at someone's home when we were having a normal kickit session, meaning said they was invited and nine times out of ten was gloating to be there, I didn't pay them any mind, not rude or otherwise. But the guys, I became evil to them. Why were they letting this random have for even a nanosecond the thought that she was approved? All new females were approved by "the" girl of the group and though I previously claimed not to be worried about any of that, I embodied my role totally.

So I went through a year of that. Being mean to randoms who pretended to be nice to me to get to my guys. I am an honest person. I expect the same of everyone in return. I am also very loyal. But that's neither here nor there. After our happy little boy group plus me separated, I got married. Almost immediately. And no, my hubby did not come from within my group of friends. I don't know where he came from. But he came at the right time. I don't know if it was because I got married or because all my guys dispersed, but the female friends I did have at that time waned quickly.

And have stayed as such for the past almost five years. I've met some people, but have no desire to get to know these people or let them get to know me, the for real me. They know that I'm pleasant, and polite, and that I have a perfect marriage, all of which are lies by the way. I have two women who I spend my time with from time to time. But neither are like me. I am a scatter brain, meaning my thoughts are everywhere at once. I believe in UFO's, astral travel, matriarchy systems, talking to spirits, and nappy hair. Neither of these women are like that. My conversations are kept on general topics though they both have degrees and are very smart. But they think yoga and vegetarianism is a joke. I just cannot be myself. I am a nerd, and addicted to the internet and have had plenty of meaningful conversations with people I may never ever met, save avatar to avatar on the web. They don't get it.(Maybe they do. Maybe I'm being harsh?) And I don't give a damn if they never do.

But I think its just me. I'm too picky. I don't have this same problem with men.

I had a friend once who thought she should be my only friend. We broke up.

There was one who slept w/ my boyfriend in HS. So when she arrived to my college a semester ahead of me, she was sure to tell everyone all the grimy shit she did to me, except she said it was I who did it to her. She fucked, I mean flunked out a semester after I got there.

I had this white friend who thought she was blacker than me and called me nappy nappy dreadlocks (I had a perm) as a joke. She married some black thug who ain't tell his children's mother about her until after they married, he's been in and out of jail, no job, she supports with the same job we worked together at when we were 16. And thought we use to share clothes back then, she's 5 ft and at 200 lbs while I'm still in a size 2. And I have locs. Joke's on her I guess.

I attract crappy women I guess. But my fear is that I attract them because I am the crappy one? Do they reflect me? Boring, regular, liars, obsessive, possessive, negative, selfish, and deceitful. Maybe I am at fault because I am supposed to be like Jesus and accept everybody, flaws and all, and love them for who they rather than let who they are serve as a reason why they are unworthy of being my friend. Thank God I don't buy into Jesus... But still.

Maybe I am over thinking this. Who cares if I don't have friends? Outside of my family I have my best friend, my good friend my one friend fits all categories because there's no one else. And even that life line seems to be thinning lately. Inside my family I have my husband and Sun.

Am I whining?

It just feels as though the world is too damn big for me to be So disconnected.

Maybe I'll feel better after sleeping on it.

Feel free to leave your thoughts.


My seven cycle

Friday, June 12, 2009

So I've always known, but come to appreciate even more today, that my life works out in these seven year cycles. Most understand seven is a divine number. But seven is also my number. I recognized it from the time I was six and wanted to be seven badly and decided it was my number forever. Numerologically, it is also my number. I feel this simply represents my direct cosmic connection to the ethers, various dimensions, ancestral spirits and of course, source energy. As a human being, it has manifested itself in the way my life has played out. Seven years after I lost my virginity, I got married (yes I was a baby). Seven years from when I initially began, I obtained my bachelor's. I overindulged in herbal remedies, trying to soothe my depression, for seven years before I was forced to quit. I also suffered depression for seven years. This year, I finally feel I am the woman I aimed to become once I was able to decide exactly what it is that is me. I defined all that in 2002. Today is 2009, seven years. It was a work in progress, an will continue to evolve, but I can say I have reached my initial vision.

So, in 2002, I decided I wanted to be happy in my skin. I no longer wanted other people's perceptions, ideas and socialization to affect how I carried myself. Because before that point I did. I had a friend, a negative little girl, who was the official naysayer to whatever I expressed interest in. When I would attempt to wear my hair out in an afro, people would say stuff like, "who she think she is? Erykah Badu wannabe." I'd go and tie my hair down. Oh, how could I forget? My last perm was in 2002. Seven years ago and now I have made this final dedication to loc'ing my hair without taking it down or cutting it for at least 6 years. Maybe I'll switch it to seven just in case. So in 2002, I met some great people who were all at various stages of fighting to be themselves. Everyone was nappy. I decided I no longer desired to have the latest fashion just because its what everyone else was wearing (it never felt right on me). I began to speak openly about what I believed and my perceptions on various ideas in the classroom even if it went completely against the grain of what everyone else was saying. I spoke firmly but would always end my statements with, "I don't even know if I'm making any sense," as a way provide a disclaimer, or apologize for what I said. But people began to smile, the "normal" people, black kids and professors with the latest styles, the cool kids, the greek people, girls with weave wraps. The moment I felt I was becoming new was the day in class when we discussed the idea of black women having to make a choice between careers and having a family. While most of the class said there was no choice, I argued that even if you get married, have kids AND a career, something would suffer. You can either be a super mom and be mediocre in your job or be a ball buster, pulling in loot and respect, but having to rely on sitters, teachers and television to raise your child. I have since re-evaluated my position, but that day, in 2002, when I made my five minute long comment, no one said a word afterwards. I felt as I must have said the dumbest thing. Then my professor leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head and asked, "class?" They broke out in applause. I still get red faced thinking of it. But at that moment, I began to understand I had very different ideas and it only served for the greater of all to be sure they were heard. Today, seven years later, I am taking steps to ensure I just don't say whatever whenever. Rather, I want to implement what I know will make a difference. I started my first blog back in 2002 and since that time I've been told several times over I should write a book. I always figured I would, but I also figured who would want to read it if it's not about sex? You see, I would only want to write with a black audience in mind. Because that is what makes the most sense to me. That is who I am and who I aim to help. I don't know what it is that I will write on, but it will be something. I just am now pulling it together. I just now have the conviction that I can accomplish something like a book. Previously I thought it was procrastination and laziness that would hold me back. But once I determined it was depression that tied my hands and mind down, and after being able to pinpoint the source of that depression, I feel as I have emerged the woman I always wanted to be.

I had more to say, but something just threw me terribly off.

married forever?

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

This blog is in response to a comment made on an earlier entry. I'm reposting it here as it is anonymous and to give background:

Mrs. Wonderful,

In the past year I have been thinking about a similar sentiment, but it is definitely hard to get past because of our socialization. You said, "the expectation that as humans we are only to bind ourselves to one singular individual for the entirety of our lives despite how we and they may evolve, is rubbish".

I want to hear more of your thoughts on this either here in reply or in another blog (look at me making requests). I ask because currently, I have been married for 6 years, but have been seperated for the last year. He is dating and Lord knows I'm trying (can't seem to meet anyone though). I feel the need to explore and see my options. However, there is a gnawing part of me that says, you should try and work it out. He has begged to the point of tears several times. It's not that I think we have evolved in seperate directions (we have, but I think with this distance we've had from each other, there is the potential to overcome that challenge), it's moreso that I love the man, but don't feel all the romantic stuff anymore. I really don't want to be out of his life in absolute terms, but I want to feel romantically inspired by the one I chose to love. I always ask myself if I'm being silly, because all I'm asking for is "infatuation"--And I wonder if I am holding out for infatuation only to end up in the same place in years to come---or whether or not this is the end and the both of us should really begin the legal process????????? Of course, I don't expect you to have the answers, I just wanna hear more on your views as they may challenge my own.

So I'll attempt to tackle this. :-)
I am currently convinced that marriage as we understand it in the U.S. is a load of crock. In advance, for anyone who is devoutly Christian this may be hard to digest, but this is just my sentiment. The whole, you are bound to a singular individual to have and to hold, till death do you part, just is unrealistic. Think about it. When you get married, this person is your romantic partner for life. They also become like a sibling. A business partner. Depending on you situation, they may control or spend all your money. Sometimes, they become that child you never asked for. The relationship becomes multifaceted. You may be fortunate enough to be ones of those people who claim, "my spouse is my best friend," but everyone who I know who is married has a best friend elsewhere. My point is, it is very difficult to remain head over heels infatuated once you know everything there is to know about your spouse.

Beyond that, why should we be expected to limit ourselves from potentially cosmic connections of various sorts with various individuals once we have decided to form a family with one person? Currently, I cannot find the article, but I read a piece on a group in Northern Nigeria when doing research on concubines. This particular society is a patriarchal one, however, women are also permitted to have what we would define as concubines. The term they use for them is iko m'bara, until I am corrected otherwise. The iko lives on the property with his own hut and is essentially at the beck and call of the husband as far as chores and other domestic work goes. However, he is the lover of the wife and only her. She may keep him as long as she pleases and when either of them decide that their attraction has wore off, he is free to leave. If he should impregnate the wife. the husband claims the kids no question. Among this group they have a saying, something to effect of sex is sweetest among lovers. And think about it. Marriage essentially becomes utilitarian for most. Sex with a spouse often becomes a chore and is not as thrilling as it was initially. Romance tends to leave because their is no longer a need to please one another. Your already contractually bound. It's a done deal. Am I saying go get yourself and iko? No. I'm just presenting the thought that what we "know" to be right changes when you cross the water. In many matriarchal societies, women are free to divorce as often as they choose and no looks down on them. Issues of paternity are none existent because children belong to the mother's family and generally have an uncle as a father figure whether or not their biological father is around. If he is around, he is busy raising his sister's children. And life seems to go smoother, at least from the tiny bit I have gathered so far.

I have to ask this: are you dating with the intention of finding a someone? Or dating to just enjoy different people's company? Dating to find "someone" is damn near impossible I think because no single individual can possess all the qualities each of us look for in partners. However, in seeking to enjoy people's company and appreciate different unique human traits, I think you, or anyone will find those qualities in different people. I think this is where infatuation comes in. I understand where you are coming from. That brand new feeling, every time you see your loved one's face or hear their ringtone is so special. I miss it myself. :-( You can try to do many things to get it back, but the attempts have to be made on both person's parts. And even so infatuation never lasts so would both would have to be dedicated to recreating these feelings over and over again. Or, you have to deaden yourself to become complacent and satisfied with lack of. But doing so, I believe, would do great disservice and detriment to yourself. That's why I suggest meeting many different people. This doesn't mean one needs to be romantically involved with all of those people, and is doesn't even mean it has to be a man/woman type of relationship. Meeting someone who inspires you to improve on yourself can be just as infatuating as meeting that person who causes you to tingle. There's so many different ways to explain this. The best way, I think is to share the thought I have for myself.

In my mind, (and all married people think about this) I have considered what would I do should I ever unfortunately separate from my husband. I have determined that would not like to be married again, but rather would be sure to surround myself with contientiously like minded individuals. I would seek to create lasting friendships with males and females. When romantic scenarios present themselves, I would enjoy them while it lasts understanding that the other individual involved is their own individual and I would never try to own them for myself. That, in itself, is an attempt at slavery. As for the father of my child, I would never cast him out my life completely. I love him deeply and he is a wonderful person. I imagine I would always be "available" for him as I would for any person I love and admire as much. Of course, this is all based on hypothetical future projections of my Utopian imagination.

Your husband wants to be back with you and you are considering it but still seem to be on the fence. You have to truly ask yourself if you do want to be stuck to one person forever and ever. You only have this life for all we know. Whatever you decide HAS to be what you want for yourself and not based on someone else's pleading. I think it is possible to remain in one another's lives while not necessarily being "exclusive." I guess most would call this open marriage, but the connotations of that term is not what I mean. I'm not condoning swinging or multiple spouses. But I am offering not limiting ourselves to what we have been taught is supposedly right and acceptable.

I want to thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to discuss these ideas. I didn't get as deep as I would like, but perhaps for another post. What should I talk about next?

2 month loc update

Saturday, June 6, 2009

This is what i started with March 30th, 2009.

This is a week ago and the two days ago.

Dont talk to me... I wont respond accordingly

I went to the gym yesterday and I think a trainer tried to hit on me. I dunno. Maybe trainers are supposed to be extra friendly and smiley? I hope hubby don't give other folks the vibes I got from dude. (Here's where my socialization and higher understanding collide.) Probably not though. Hubby's idea of romantic is, "if you put Sun to sleep we can do something before the highlights come on." No joke. Point is, that is one of the reasons why I don't like to work out without him. I feel so awkward having people make passes at me. I'm actually fine with little ghetto boys saying "Aye! Aye gurl!" because all I have to do is keep going. I been dealing with nonsense my whole life. I don't take that serious. But the second a man, with sense, comes correct, it's so weird. I think this is because I never managed to make it farther than the college dating scene, read: the real world. Hubby and I got together after a series of coincidental meetings. So when real world people express interest, I play dumb, smile and look for my husband. He's like my protector. I actually don't like that kind of attention. I feel violated, and awkward and vulnerable. I'll share: I once had a boyfriend for over a year in college just to say I had one so people would leave me be. I didn't even like him. He annoyed me and we saw each other once every few months. In fact the way I broke up with him was to say I now had hubby. I tired to break up with before that. He kept acting like his phone was going out. I moved apartments and refused to tell him where I moved to. He thought he'd convince me one day to marry him and just stay home and manage household affairs. He came from an affluent family who said he needed to find a wife. He thought I was her... Ok, I don't know where I intended to go with that. But he sucked. I'm quite content with hubby and Sun. It means I never have to deal with drama (unless he invites it which he won't) I never have to wonder where a man is, what he's doing or who he is with. My lifelong curiosity over who I'd marry and what my kid would be like has now been quenched. I have so much energy to put into other things. Like thesis, and making money and spreading knowledge and wealth, traveling, growing food, and of course, playing in makeup!

Eyeshadow, Sneezing, and Africana Intellect

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Hubby, the future dietitian, said he thinks coffee is my culprit. I think so too. Weening myself will NOT be fun.

So recently, my youtube browsing has created an new hobby. I went from having 2 Maybelline eyeshadow trios to this:

Not much except it's been acquired in a matter of weeks. I've more since I snapped that pic. I LOVE the youtube contests that get you to try different looks. But I seem to be color blind or something when it comes to putting these things together. Yesterday, me and the sis played with my stash:

Since I woke up I haven't stopped sneezing. I think it's the over abundant sta sof fro in my hair at the moment. My hair kept falling in my face today. But when I had my wrap on earlier, that was really the only time my sneezes left. So I hope that's it. When we woke this morning Sun told me I was hot. I didn't think nothing of it. Til' hubby said the same. Then I started feeling yucky. THEN, I thought I was only feeling yucky because I was thinking I might be sick. So I cleaned up my kitchen, arranged for the kid to get picked up and headed to the gym. That's when "it" happened (see below). Maybe it was a mixture of caffeine withdrawal and being slightly under the weather.

Anyway, I want to feel better.

I started a new book the other day, The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts. I'm feeling it thusfar but can't fight the feeling that this largely does not apply to African American women. I got to thinking, maybe there isn't much that DOES apply to African American women in regards to feminism other than it being the white woman's realm. There could be something worth exploring here. I've only recently begun to delve into the realm of Audrey Lorde. I think many may dismiss her on a personal level because she is a lesbian. I had slowly begun to consider just this semester that perhaps, when I begin my PhD studies, I will focus on African Feminisim. During this past decade, I have shyed away from anything even remotely associated with feminism, women's rights and so forth. WHY? Somehow, somewhere I picked up the awful idea that people would think I'm a lesbian, and a bitch, if even assumed to perhaps be interested in feminism. Fortunately for me, I have an awesome muse. Said muse informed me those ideas were largely outdated. No one thinks that way anymore. Outdated is correct. Thougtwise, incorrect. Just as someone convinced me of this foolishness, others have been convinced as well. For instance: the car I recently acquired had this god awful orange construction looking sticker stuck to it which read: "Woman Working." It annoyed me only because it appeared to me to be such an in your face, I am woman hear me roar, feel to it. Not my steelo. But hubby, dear god, he HATES it. He said, "I can't have everyone thinking your into this American Feminist crap." No, he's not American. But why does it have to be crap. Personally, I don't think he really understands what feminism is. And honestly I didn't until I began to slowly give it a chance sometime last fall. In fact, it was reading up on various African matriarchal systems that spurred my interests. "Marriage," as we know, appears to exists only within patriarchal societies across the global. Marriage is, in effect, the monopoly on another person's sexuality. In Matriarchal societies, there is no you belong to me. All this, I own you as my spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever and the expectation that as humans we are only to bind ourselves to one singular individual for the entirety of our lives despite how we and they may evolve, is rubbish. That is why we live in a nation of psychos. At least, that is my take.
But this is my area to expound on and I already shared too much.
I will hunt you down and kill you if you steal my idea. You've been forewarned. :-)

I just felt a need to get my intellect somewhere in this blog. My blog description is so much to live up to. It's what I ponder daily. My old blog was all over my descript, but alas, I grew out of it.

got my running shoes on

I had an anxiety attack at the gym just now. I think. I don't know why. But everything felt odd. I'm on the treadmill and I couldn't make it more than 10 minutes. I usually run/jog for 30 at the REC. Maybe it's cause I'm at a new gym? Am I anxious about new places? I've been here before. But always with my hubby. He was at work and Sun is with his auntie. After the treadmill, I went to the bathroom. Nothing. I noticed some spots on my shirt, my face with it's latest breakout. I didn't even look at my face. That was what I started doing that one summer. The summer before I couldn't take it anymore. I don't even know what "it" is or was only that my brain so no more and shut off cognitive reasoning leaving me very afraid. Of everything. Especially myself.

I left the bathroom and went to the bicep curl machine. I called hubby on my way to it. I told him I feel intimidated without him. He's a personal trainer. He knows what he is doing. He accompanies me to the gym and I him to the library. Fair trade. He told me what to get on. It didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. The weight was too light. It was too heavy. The bar was too low. The lady next to me kept switching machines. People do that. That's okay. I do that at the REC. Did she want my machine? Was she watching me? She would say if she needed it as a part of her circuit. Did she want my machine. I called hubby. I can't do this. I can't explain it. This is too much. He yells. And says to go ask one of the trainers. Out of the question. Why?
Why is asking for assistance out of the question? When I got to the library I have no problem. Shopping, I am definitely asking for help, more sizes, colors, sales, Whatever. Why is this different? I'm on my last set when this man walks around the machines and looks at me then turns when I look back. Someone else does it. I'm out of here. My heart's racing and I can't leave quick enough. The lady I noticed in front of me when I was running, she is talking with a trainer now. Why can't I do that? Why is it a battle? Because I don't have too. My hubby is a trainer. Why does he make me do this alone? What is my problem? Why am I feeling like this.....

I call him once I make it to the car. He says it's always something with me. I try to explain. This was different. It felt like people were looking at me. He says of course they were. You're new. They are going to look. Why do I have this anxiety though? Like the world was closing in on me. That's how it felt. He says my reasons for working out or anything I do is not anyone else's reasons. We are different. We live with purpose. People will be intrigued. I know this. And this is not a constant. I got over all this long ago. Why is it coming back now? Because i'm idle? He told me to go meditate or pray. PRAY!? To who? Because the universe was imploding and that included whatever it may be that I could pray to. It's chaos. With meditation I can go inside and sweep my clutter to the corners.


That worked. I got my answer. I ain't had no coffee today.
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