got my running shoes on

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I had an anxiety attack at the gym just now. I think. I don't know why. But everything felt odd. I'm on the treadmill and I couldn't make it more than 10 minutes. I usually run/jog for 30 at the REC. Maybe it's cause I'm at a new gym? Am I anxious about new places? I've been here before. But always with my hubby. He was at work and Sun is with his auntie. After the treadmill, I went to the bathroom. Nothing. I noticed some spots on my shirt, my face with it's latest breakout. I didn't even look at my face. That was what I started doing that one summer. The summer before I couldn't take it anymore. I don't even know what "it" is or was only that my brain so no more and shut off cognitive reasoning leaving me very afraid. Of everything. Especially myself.

I left the bathroom and went to the bicep curl machine. I called hubby on my way to it. I told him I feel intimidated without him. He's a personal trainer. He knows what he is doing. He accompanies me to the gym and I him to the library. Fair trade. He told me what to get on. It didn't feel right. Nothing felt right. The weight was too light. It was too heavy. The bar was too low. The lady next to me kept switching machines. People do that. That's okay. I do that at the REC. Did she want my machine? Was she watching me? She would say if she needed it as a part of her circuit. Did she want my machine. I called hubby. I can't do this. I can't explain it. This is too much. He yells. And says to go ask one of the trainers. Out of the question. Why?
Why is asking for assistance out of the question? When I got to the library I have no problem. Shopping, I am definitely asking for help, more sizes, colors, sales, Whatever. Why is this different? I'm on my last set when this man walks around the machines and looks at me then turns when I look back. Someone else does it. I'm out of here. My heart's racing and I can't leave quick enough. The lady I noticed in front of me when I was running, she is talking with a trainer now. Why can't I do that? Why is it a battle? Because I don't have too. My hubby is a trainer. Why does he make me do this alone? What is my problem? Why am I feeling like this.....

I call him once I make it to the car. He says it's always something with me. I try to explain. This was different. It felt like people were looking at me. He says of course they were. You're new. They are going to look. Why do I have this anxiety though? Like the world was closing in on me. That's how it felt. He says my reasons for working out or anything I do is not anyone else's reasons. We are different. We live with purpose. People will be intrigued. I know this. And this is not a constant. I got over all this long ago. Why is it coming back now? Because i'm idle? He told me to go meditate or pray. PRAY!? To who? Because the universe was imploding and that included whatever it may be that I could pray to. It's chaos. With meditation I can go inside and sweep my clutter to the corners.


That worked. I got my answer. I ain't had no coffee today.


One response to “got my running shoes on”
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Wow! What a writer! You took us right there with you. I was having your anxiety attack...

----DAMN! coffee can do ALL that...may I never be caught in its' clutches.


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