Beating the brick wall

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I am smack dab in the middle of a life change right now. In two days, I officially begin my graduate program (though I did spend last semester in graduate school) and I begin my teaching career as a TA. Career wise, I hope to be a professor. And all professors begin as TA's. I had my training last week and also orientation for my department. And as confident as I usually pretend to be, I began to freak right out yesterday. My entire day went wrong. Nothing of serious note happened, but I did feel an overwhelming sense of overwhelment (as a scholar, I get to make up words). So what did I do? I called my husband hoping that he could offer some encouragement and sympathy. More so, sympathy. Look, I know I will get through this. I know this is simply my anxiety factor taking over. All the encouragement and motivation in the world I already contain within myself. But every so often, I need someone to say, "Honey, it's okay to feel this way. But you know you will do good."

My husband has no sympathy.

He has been my official ass kicker since we married almost five years ago. He pushes me to get things done. Which is very ironic since it seems that there are tasks that would be impossible for him were it not for me to walk him through every single tiny step. So in a sense, we push each other. And that is awesome. But, he never goes easy. His idea of easy is, "I didn't say anything and now I can't take it." From one extreme to another. Whenever I try to explain this to him, he will find a way to justify his reasoning based on my inability to do x, y and or z. My husband is a wonderful dad. And he is a hard worker. And, technically, at the moment, he has four part time jobs, a full time class schedule, he is the "president" (they have some Greek term for it, but I can't spell it) of the graduate chapter of his fraternity here, he is the father of my child, and, did I mention, he is my husband.

I just cannot take it anymore.

I try to reason with myself: He is not abusive; He does not cheat; He is not cruel; He is a wonderful father; He nursed me back to (if I ever had it previously at all) mental health; He has introduced me to my physical health. But I constantly feel inadequate. And I find myself despising him.

My husband is also permanent resident. At times, I speak for him when taking care of red tape matters because I know how to "talk" to get things accomplished and it seems like he can't find the words to begin. I worry that he would not be able to function optimally without me. I feel guilt.

Several times throughout the day, yesterday, I called him to say I was stressing out. Each time he responded to the effect of, I can't think about stress, I just have to do what I have to do. I told him I felt overwhelmed. He said not to focus on negative. After a very stressful morning and afternoon of running around from office to office, I had to drive two hours to the airport to pick up his sister and two hours right back. When I got to the city, of course there was stop and go, but mostly stopped, traffic. I wanted to rip the steering wheel off the car and beat all the horrific drivers with it. When I returned to our town, rather late, I had to stop at Wal-mart to pick up some much needed household items, which also meant negotiating with my child as to what he could and could not get, toy-wise. I returned home, and my husband should have just been walking through the door at the same time except the person who was to relieve him was not coming in. So husband was late, though he had explained it. When he had explained it, I was a bit non-understanding regarding the person who was irresponsible. I was not upset at my husband, but I let him know that the situation did not make me happy. When he walked through the door, I attempted to just throw myself in his arms. I badly needed a hug. I am a hugger. It makes everything better. For him, hugs cannot possibly correct anything. He has said so. I got a one arm pat on the back and was told I was too mean today to deserve a hug.

I cannot take this any longer.

I want to tell him, just withdraw from school, take the baby, and go back to the Bahamas. I'll see you guys on break.

I need a break.

Maybe after being apart awhile, we will appreciate one another.

I keep trying to make my spouse the person I turn to when I need an ear. But he never fails to instead explain why I need an ear and how I could do better to not find myself in such situations. I just want him to be my person. I'm his person. He is my inferiority complex. I know better. So why does this make my chest hurt?


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