Beating the brick wall

I am smack dab in the middle of a life change right now. In two days, I officially begin my graduate program (though I did spend last semester in graduate school) and I begin my teaching career as a TA. Career wise, I hope to be a professor. And all professors begin as TA's. I had my training last week and also orientation for my department. And as confident as I usually pretend to be, I began to freak right out yesterday. My entire day went wrong. Nothing of serious note happened, but I did feel an overwhelming sense of overwhelment (as a scholar, I get to make up words). So what did I do? I called my husband hoping that he could offer some encouragement and sympathy. More so, sympathy. Look, I know I will get through this. I know this is simply my anxiety factor taking over. All the encouragement and motivation in the world I already contain within myself. But every so often, I need someone to say, "Honey, it's okay to feel this way. But you know you will do good."

My husband has no sympathy.

He has been my official ass kicker since we married almost five years ago. He pushes me to get things done. Which is very ironic since it seems that there are tasks that would be impossible for him were it not for me to walk him through every single tiny step. So in a sense, we push each other. And that is awesome. But, he never goes easy. His idea of easy is, "I didn't say anything and now I can't take it." From one extreme to another. Whenever I try to explain this to him, he will find a way to justify his reasoning based on my inability to do x, y and or z. My husband is a wonderful dad. And he is a hard worker. And, technically, at the moment, he has four part time jobs, a full time class schedule, he is the "president" (they have some Greek term for it, but I can't spell it) of the graduate chapter of his fraternity here, he is the father of my child, and, did I mention, he is my husband.

I just cannot take it anymore.

I try to reason with myself: He is not abusive; He does not cheat; He is not cruel; He is a wonderful father; He nursed me back to (if I ever had it previously at all) mental health; He has introduced me to my physical health. But I constantly feel inadequate. And I find myself despising him.

My husband is also permanent resident. At times, I speak for him when taking care of red tape matters because I know how to "talk" to get things accomplished and it seems like he can't find the words to begin. I worry that he would not be able to function optimally without me. I feel guilt.

Several times throughout the day, yesterday, I called him to say I was stressing out. Each time he responded to the effect of, I can't think about stress, I just have to do what I have to do. I told him I felt overwhelmed. He said not to focus on negative. After a very stressful morning and afternoon of running around from office to office, I had to drive two hours to the airport to pick up his sister and two hours right back. When I got to the city, of course there was stop and go, but mostly stopped, traffic. I wanted to rip the steering wheel off the car and beat all the horrific drivers with it. When I returned to our town, rather late, I had to stop at Wal-mart to pick up some much needed household items, which also meant negotiating with my child as to what he could and could not get, toy-wise. I returned home, and my husband should have just been walking through the door at the same time except the person who was to relieve him was not coming in. So husband was late, though he had explained it. When he had explained it, I was a bit non-understanding regarding the person who was irresponsible. I was not upset at my husband, but I let him know that the situation did not make me happy. When he walked through the door, I attempted to just throw myself in his arms. I badly needed a hug. I am a hugger. It makes everything better. For him, hugs cannot possibly correct anything. He has said so. I got a one arm pat on the back and was told I was too mean today to deserve a hug.

I cannot take this any longer.

I want to tell him, just withdraw from school, take the baby, and go back to the Bahamas. I'll see you guys on break.

I need a break.

Maybe after being apart awhile, we will appreciate one another.

I keep trying to make my spouse the person I turn to when I need an ear. But he never fails to instead explain why I need an ear and how I could do better to not find myself in such situations. I just want him to be my person. I'm his person. He is my inferiority complex. I know better. So why does this make my chest hurt?

The Uppity Down to Earth Black Chic

I've been re-evaluating myself on the whole, my personality, how I come off to others, what I believe, yadda yadda ya. I know in my last post I was talking about how I find I have terrible friends. But I think at times I may also be a bad friend. Rather, I am bad at being a friend sometimes. Since my Sun has arrived, 3 years ago, I don't do phone conversations. Maybe no one does. But I can't sit on the phone and just talk about whatever. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to talk about. Maybe not. I know the times when I find I would like to have an in depth convo, hubby is always near by. And he likes to eavesdrop. Everything is not for him to hear. We are married and all, but my business is mine and his is his. I don't even go through his phone. NEVA.

Back to the point. I also mentioned previously there was a person who was trying to be a good friend to me, but I allowed my own insecurities to get in the way. There was more than one now that I have thought about it. In fact, I have a very good friend who served as an example and motivation for me. But previously, I always felt like I kept failing to live up to some imaginary standards for her; Meaning, I created a standard based on her wonderful example and failed to meet it by far and thus allowed myself to think she thought I was a failure as well. Thankfully, one thing I have learned in all my lonesomeness, try, try again. And today I am back on track. She is still a key motivation of mine and I made a move to contact her, let her know how I felt and she is coming to visit me! She is a person I can feel at home with, if you know what I mean.

I also realized I may come off as "holier than thou" to some people who may look up to me. Years ago, I recognized that people had begun to put on some type of pedestal. It was shared with me time and time again that something I had said or did had caused someone to make significant, positive, positive changes to their lives. More often than not, these were people who I did not know on a personal level. I was constantly recommended for various things, such as serving as master of ceremonies, sitting as a representative on board meetings, having dinner with distinguished guests and on and on. This was (and still mostly is) my life in the academic realm. I use to shrug off people's suggestions that I was so inspirational mostly because I felt I was a fraud. I don't feel that way anymore. However, I do fear that I have become a perfect example of what I detest. A self-righteous bitch. Let me clarify, some years ago, I knew this one chic who was nappier than thou, blacker than thou, more righteous than thou, all of it. She had the nerve to be a stuck up down to earth black girl. Me and my girl got a kick out laughing at her. She had no problem be rude and obnoxious to black people still in need of "waking up." Worse, she was even rudder to folks who were new, shall we say, to the black consciousness thing. She basically, had a BAD attitude and not Michael Jackson bad. We always did this thing where we'd have a gathering at someone's house on a weekend day so people could come and sing, or read poetry or whatever. It's was a means of stimulation and good company. At some point, after this girl left, I think, it was decided to be moved to my house. I agreed and ol' girls good friend suggested we call it by the same name it had when it had been at the girl's house like three or four years before. I wanted other names but agreed. It's what everyone else wanted. Do you know this chic called me and told me I had no right to call it that because people would think it was the same thing and it WAS NOT seeing as I was the person organizing it. (this is all her accusations) It was actually her friend organizing but whatever. I just wanted to share how damn uppity she was. Anyway...

The other day, I was in a preparation meeting for an event we have going on. Before we started, this girl I had previously done some events with asked me if I had twisted my hair again. No, I told her I was locking it. But I'm sure I may have made a face. Because I am told I make faces when people annoy me so I am sure I may have made some type of face when the girl suggested I had "twisted" my hair again. I know the last time I saw her at an event, her friend who came with her told me she didn't have "good hair" like me. I am positive I rolled my eyes and responded, "I get so sick of black people and this good hair bad hair non-sense." I know, it was mean. But I do, and I'm tired of being the polite teacher at times. It doesn't help that most of the people I act snobbishly towards are at least five years younger than me. At Least. I have attempted to curb my attitude by refraining from saying anything at all. However, people get to asking me questions in attempts to be my friend (ah, the irony). "What church do you go to?" "I don't go to church. I'm not Christian." "You're not Christian?!? Aren't you afraid to go to hell? OR I thought all black people were christian! OR How can you not believe in god?"

This gets much eye rolling and patronizing comments from me. Because I am tired of answering the same folly over and over again. I am just tired of being everyone teacher for things outside their realm. Go pick up a book or google it or ask ya professor. If you not in my classes, don't come to me!

I guess my point was that though this is how I think, this is most likely how I come off. Looking down my nose at folk though 90% of the people I run into are taller than me. I fear I've turned into the girl I mentioned earlier. And I don't want to be that person. But at the same time, I feel like I needn't be the spokesperson far all that you find "counter-culture." Sure, I eat healthy, do yoga, read reference books for fun, sleep to Buddhist chanting, loc my hair, have casual conversations with my ancestors, wear wraps on my head a dashikis with my jeans, married a foreigner, let my 3 y.o. make major decisions for himself, and out rightly speak against 9-5 jobs. But those are my decisions, and my life, and I feel it's personal. Additionally, when hearing statements, directed at me, about the way I go about my life that reflect your ignorance towards my lifestyle, I can't help but physically cringe. Sometimes I find myself surprised that close minded individuals still exist. I don't think we can afford to be in this day and age.

Funny, in the middle of typing all this I had a convo with a student who wandered into the museum. He mentioned that he is mentoring teens and his number one policy which he is firm on is no premarital sex. He's a nice guy, so I didn't bother countering. What's wrong with folks these days honestly?

Anything goes? For real?

I am so fickle when it comes to relationships. In particular, friendships, between women. I have many, many female friends, meaning people that I am friendly with. Nice, amicable, we can kick it and have a nice time. There are many more people with whom I am polite with and together we can get things done if needed. But as far as close friends? ....uhm.... Let me think on this here.

I probably have someone who thinks she is a close friend because we can pick up where ever we left off, but I think she tends to forget she was always very private with herself towards me. Guarded is more like it. So whenever we DO talk, she always uses terms like, "remember I told you about?"... No. I don't. You never told me. I also never asked. If you don't share, that's your prerogative. But don't expect me to dig for info. She's always so surprised that I don't remember this and that, but then, she largely forgets she never told me in the first place. That doesn't bother me so much as when I did make a move to open up she felt obliged to share that info with the info :-/ I had a friend, she's still my friend, who I think tried to be close with me. But I couldn't be that close with her. To me, she came from this perfect background, mom and dad still together. About to get married to her first 7 year old crush. Came from the suburbs, and she could braid. I don't know what that had to do with anything, but at the time, I put her on a pedestal for it. Did I mention she's gorgeous? Which heightens the fact that I had some sever insecurities at that point. Still, everywhere we'd go, her, I and another third light skinned beauty, guys would drool over us. I think it really came down to my perception that she was more "pure" than I. She'd only been with one guy, ever and I obviously did not share that same fact. So the things that occupied my mind 23/7 I could not discuss with her. Yes, that often, sometimes I wonder if my brain should have been programmed as a man the way I go there....

For at least a year, I was severely paranoid of anyone trying to make friends with me. There was a girl who was friends with me only because it was convenient. For some reason, she had thought herself as "the" girl of our circle of friends though I knew all of our people before she showed up on the scene. She went so far as to tell me one day, "the group is me, him and him, you are not apart of the inner circle." 8-0. Lucky for me, to be considered the girl of a all male inner circle group of friends you have to be fuckable by said group of friends. As a heterosexual female I was fuckable, note the prefix -able and not -ed. Once when we all headed home for some break (we were all from the same city) I called her one evening to ask her to join me at some bar. She said she was going, but emphasized it was with some of her friends from home and I probably wouldn't be comfortable (emphasizing my heterosexual status here again). Another friend of ours called me and asked me to come out and kick it at the same place so I grabbed a cab. Do you know this heifer was there with "her" friends, OUR friends? I made a point to state the obvious and when we returned to school, our first dinner back in the caf together, everyone talked around her and not to her. When she started to say things to get attention, they started saying things like, "No one cares 'Susy'," and "Blah, blah, blah." Did I mention my guy friends were all tremendous assholes? But I loved it. They had planned to be rude to her before we went to dinner because I almost did not join them as a means to express my extreme disapproval of her behavior. They insisted and promised to treat her as she deserved. They ALL did. And I will again emphasize, I Loved It. Because I am an asshole at heart. She started crying and they kept going. Eventually, I stopped bothering to be bothered with her. Because while I genuinely offered my friendship to her time and time again, she had this imagined competition with me to be "the" girl. I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. In the long run, our friends are still My friends. And not so much her way. She got replaced.

After she left us, I had all sorts of randoms attempting to be my friend. One girl found me via BlackPlanet, yes that long ago. She claimed she was coming to our school and I looked like a cool person. Long story short, my ex, who was with her while were were together was now her boyfriend. He told her to befriend me. Random. But we, the homies and I, had been onto the whole game. We toyed with her and it was done. We began to frequent a local hangout for a while. It became Our spot. We were the regulars. But there was, regularly, a different group of girls each week there to support one of their own hoping one of my homies would get in their pants. I can't explain this phenomena nor do I care to understand, but it existed. These same girls would seek me out on campus and try to be overly friendly and buddy buddy with me, asking what was going on each night, offering I should give them my number so we could kick it. I will admit, I got a kick out of being an asshole. Mean. Just plain evil. Because they were not interested in me at all but apparently viewed me as a pawn to get to their king.

A typical convo:
them - hey girl what's goin on?
me - not a damn thing
them - ya'll kickin it tonight?
me - ya'll who?
them - you know, u and so and so
me - it's really none of your business

or

them - we should really kick it tonight
me - no we really shouldn't

or

them - hey! where's so and so?
me - do I fucking look like i carry him in my pocket?

or

them - is it hip hop night tonight?
me - why the fuck are you talking to me?

OR

If at our spot and a "they" would ask if they could sit at a table with me I'd say "no," plain and simple.

Now if a "they" showed up at someone's home when we were having a normal kickit session, meaning said they was invited and nine times out of ten was gloating to be there, I didn't pay them any mind, not rude or otherwise. But the guys, I became evil to them. Why were they letting this random have for even a nanosecond the thought that she was approved? All new females were approved by "the" girl of the group and though I previously claimed not to be worried about any of that, I embodied my role totally.

So I went through a year of that. Being mean to randoms who pretended to be nice to me to get to my guys. I am an honest person. I expect the same of everyone in return. I am also very loyal. But that's neither here nor there. After our happy little boy group plus me separated, I got married. Almost immediately. And no, my hubby did not come from within my group of friends. I don't know where he came from. But he came at the right time. I don't know if it was because I got married or because all my guys dispersed, but the female friends I did have at that time waned quickly.

And have stayed as such for the past almost five years. I've met some people, but have no desire to get to know these people or let them get to know me, the for real me. They know that I'm pleasant, and polite, and that I have a perfect marriage, all of which are lies by the way. I have two women who I spend my time with from time to time. But neither are like me. I am a scatter brain, meaning my thoughts are everywhere at once. I believe in UFO's, astral travel, matriarchy systems, talking to spirits, and nappy hair. Neither of these women are like that. My conversations are kept on general topics though they both have degrees and are very smart. But they think yoga and vegetarianism is a joke. I just cannot be myself. I am a nerd, and addicted to the internet and have had plenty of meaningful conversations with people I may never ever met, save avatar to avatar on the web. They don't get it.(Maybe they do. Maybe I'm being harsh?) And I don't give a damn if they never do.

But I think its just me. I'm too picky. I don't have this same problem with men.

I had a friend once who thought she should be my only friend. We broke up.

There was one who slept w/ my boyfriend in HS. So when she arrived to my college a semester ahead of me, she was sure to tell everyone all the grimy shit she did to me, except she said it was I who did it to her. She fucked, I mean flunked out a semester after I got there.

I had this white friend who thought she was blacker than me and called me nappy nappy dreadlocks (I had a perm) as a joke. She married some black thug who ain't tell his children's mother about her until after they married, he's been in and out of jail, no job, she supports with the same job we worked together at when we were 16. And thought we use to share clothes back then, she's 5 ft and at 200 lbs while I'm still in a size 2. And I have locs. Joke's on her I guess.

I attract crappy women I guess. But my fear is that I attract them because I am the crappy one? Do they reflect me? Boring, regular, liars, obsessive, possessive, negative, selfish, and deceitful. Maybe I am at fault because I am supposed to be like Jesus and accept everybody, flaws and all, and love them for who they rather than let who they are serve as a reason why they are unworthy of being my friend. Thank God I don't buy into Jesus... But still.

Maybe I am over thinking this. Who cares if I don't have friends? Outside of my family I have my best friend, my good friend my one friend fits all categories because there's no one else. And even that life line seems to be thinning lately. Inside my family I have my husband and Sun.

Am I whining?

It just feels as though the world is too damn big for me to be So disconnected.

Maybe I'll feel better after sleeping on it.

Feel free to leave your thoughts.

Peace.

married forever?

This blog is in response to a comment made on an earlier entry. I'm reposting it here as it is anonymous and to give background:

Mrs. Wonderful,

In the past year I have been thinking about a similar sentiment, but it is definitely hard to get past because of our socialization. You said, "the expectation that as humans we are only to bind ourselves to one singular individual for the entirety of our lives despite how we and they may evolve, is rubbish".

I want to hear more of your thoughts on this either here in reply or in another blog (look at me making requests). I ask because currently, I have been married for 6 years, but have been seperated for the last year. He is dating and Lord knows I'm trying (can't seem to meet anyone though). I feel the need to explore and see my options. However, there is a gnawing part of me that says, you should try and work it out. He has begged to the point of tears several times. It's not that I think we have evolved in seperate directions (we have, but I think with this distance we've had from each other, there is the potential to overcome that challenge), it's moreso that I love the man, but don't feel all the romantic stuff anymore. I really don't want to be out of his life in absolute terms, but I want to feel romantically inspired by the one I chose to love. I always ask myself if I'm being silly, because all I'm asking for is "infatuation"--And I wonder if I am holding out for infatuation only to end up in the same place in years to come---or whether or not this is the end and the both of us should really begin the legal process????????? Of course, I don't expect you to have the answers, I just wanna hear more on your views as they may challenge my own.

So I'll attempt to tackle this. :-)
I am currently convinced that marriage as we understand it in the U.S. is a load of crock. In advance, for anyone who is devoutly Christian this may be hard to digest, but this is just my sentiment. The whole, you are bound to a singular individual to have and to hold, till death do you part, just is unrealistic. Think about it. When you get married, this person is your romantic partner for life. They also become like a sibling. A business partner. Depending on you situation, they may control or spend all your money. Sometimes, they become that child you never asked for. The relationship becomes multifaceted. You may be fortunate enough to be ones of those people who claim, "my spouse is my best friend," but everyone who I know who is married has a best friend elsewhere. My point is, it is very difficult to remain head over heels infatuated once you know everything there is to know about your spouse.

Beyond that, why should we be expected to limit ourselves from potentially cosmic connections of various sorts with various individuals once we have decided to form a family with one person? Currently, I cannot find the article, but I read a piece on a group in Northern Nigeria when doing research on concubines. This particular society is a patriarchal one, however, women are also permitted to have what we would define as concubines. The term they use for them is iko m'bara, until I am corrected otherwise. The iko lives on the property with his own hut and is essentially at the beck and call of the husband as far as chores and other domestic work goes. However, he is the lover of the wife and only her. She may keep him as long as she pleases and when either of them decide that their attraction has wore off, he is free to leave. If he should impregnate the wife. the husband claims the kids no question. Among this group they have a saying, something to effect of sex is sweetest among lovers. And think about it. Marriage essentially becomes utilitarian for most. Sex with a spouse often becomes a chore and is not as thrilling as it was initially. Romance tends to leave because their is no longer a need to please one another. Your already contractually bound. It's a done deal. Am I saying go get yourself and iko? No. I'm just presenting the thought that what we "know" to be right changes when you cross the water. In many matriarchal societies, women are free to divorce as often as they choose and no looks down on them. Issues of paternity are none existent because children belong to the mother's family and generally have an uncle as a father figure whether or not their biological father is around. If he is around, he is busy raising his sister's children. And life seems to go smoother, at least from the tiny bit I have gathered so far.

I have to ask this: are you dating with the intention of finding a someone? Or dating to just enjoy different people's company? Dating to find "someone" is damn near impossible I think because no single individual can possess all the qualities each of us look for in partners. However, in seeking to enjoy people's company and appreciate different unique human traits, I think you, or anyone will find those qualities in different people. I think this is where infatuation comes in. I understand where you are coming from. That brand new feeling, every time you see your loved one's face or hear their ringtone is so special. I miss it myself. :-( You can try to do many things to get it back, but the attempts have to be made on both person's parts. And even so infatuation never lasts so would both would have to be dedicated to recreating these feelings over and over again. Or, you have to deaden yourself to become complacent and satisfied with lack of. But doing so, I believe, would do great disservice and detriment to yourself. That's why I suggest meeting many different people. This doesn't mean one needs to be romantically involved with all of those people, and is doesn't even mean it has to be a man/woman type of relationship. Meeting someone who inspires you to improve on yourself can be just as infatuating as meeting that person who causes you to tingle. There's so many different ways to explain this. The best way, I think is to share the thought I have for myself.

In my mind, (and all married people think about this) I have considered what would I do should I ever unfortunately separate from my husband. I have determined that would not like to be married again, but rather would be sure to surround myself with contientiously like minded individuals. I would seek to create lasting friendships with males and females. When romantic scenarios present themselves, I would enjoy them while it lasts understanding that the other individual involved is their own individual and I would never try to own them for myself. That, in itself, is an attempt at slavery. As for the father of my child, I would never cast him out my life completely. I love him deeply and he is a wonderful person. I imagine I would always be "available" for him as I would for any person I love and admire as much. Of course, this is all based on hypothetical future projections of my Utopian imagination.

Your husband wants to be back with you and you are considering it but still seem to be on the fence. You have to truly ask yourself if you do want to be stuck to one person forever and ever. You only have this life for all we know. Whatever you decide HAS to be what you want for yourself and not based on someone else's pleading. I think it is possible to remain in one another's lives while not necessarily being "exclusive." I guess most would call this open marriage, but the connotations of that term is not what I mean. I'm not condoning swinging or multiple spouses. But I am offering not limiting ourselves to what we have been taught is supposedly right and acceptable.

I want to thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to discuss these ideas. I didn't get as deep as I would like, but perhaps for another post. What should I talk about next?

Eyeshadow, Sneezing, and Africana Intellect

Hubby, the future dietitian, said he thinks coffee is my culprit. I think so too. Weening myself will NOT be fun.

So recently, my youtube browsing has created an new hobby. I went from having 2 Maybelline eyeshadow trios to this:


Not much except it's been acquired in a matter of weeks. I've more since I snapped that pic. I LOVE the youtube contests that get you to try different looks. But I seem to be color blind or something when it comes to putting these things together. Yesterday, me and the sis played with my stash:



Since I woke up I haven't stopped sneezing. I think it's the over abundant sta sof fro in my hair at the moment. My hair kept falling in my face today. But when I had my wrap on earlier, that was really the only time my sneezes left. So I hope that's it. When we woke this morning Sun told me I was hot. I didn't think nothing of it. Til' hubby said the same. Then I started feeling yucky. THEN, I thought I was only feeling yucky because I was thinking I might be sick. So I cleaned up my kitchen, arranged for the kid to get picked up and headed to the gym. That's when "it" happened (see below). Maybe it was a mixture of caffeine withdrawal and being slightly under the weather.

Anyway, I want to feel better.

I started a new book the other day, The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennetts. I'm feeling it thusfar but can't fight the feeling that this largely does not apply to African American women. I got to thinking, maybe there isn't much that DOES apply to African American women in regards to feminism other than it being the white woman's realm. There could be something worth exploring here. I've only recently begun to delve into the realm of Audrey Lorde. I think many may dismiss her on a personal level because she is a lesbian. I had slowly begun to consider just this semester that perhaps, when I begin my PhD studies, I will focus on African Feminisim. During this past decade, I have shyed away from anything even remotely associated with feminism, women's rights and so forth. WHY? Somehow, somewhere I picked up the awful idea that people would think I'm a lesbian, and a bitch, if even assumed to perhaps be interested in feminism. Fortunately for me, I have an awesome muse. Said muse informed me those ideas were largely outdated. No one thinks that way anymore. Outdated is correct. Thougtwise, incorrect. Just as someone convinced me of this foolishness, others have been convinced as well. For instance: the car I recently acquired had this god awful orange construction looking sticker stuck to it which read: "Woman Working." It annoyed me only because it appeared to me to be such an in your face, I am woman hear me roar, feel to it. Not my steelo. But hubby, dear god, he HATES it. He said, "I can't have everyone thinking your into this American Feminist crap." No, he's not American. But why does it have to be crap. Personally, I don't think he really understands what feminism is. And honestly I didn't until I began to slowly give it a chance sometime last fall. In fact, it was reading up on various African matriarchal systems that spurred my interests. "Marriage," as we know, appears to exists only within patriarchal societies across the global. Marriage is, in effect, the monopoly on another person's sexuality. In Matriarchal societies, there is no you belong to me. All this, I own you as my spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever and the expectation that as humans we are only to bind ourselves to one singular individual for the entirety of our lives despite how we and they may evolve, is rubbish. That is why we live in a nation of psychos. At least, that is my take.

But this is my area to expound on and I already shared too much.

I will hunt you down and kill you if you steal my idea. You've been forewarned. :-)

I just felt a need to get my intellect somewhere in this blog. My blog description is so much to live up to. It's what I ponder daily. My old blog was all over my descript, but alas, I grew out of it.

Dear Mama

I have this ongoing love/hate relationship with my mother. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I thought the problem was solved when I delivered the world's most gorgeous grandbaby for her to call her own. But that has seemed to only complicate matters. At ten months, I put him into daycare after acquiring my real estate license. Both my parents decided this act was a hostile one. I became the world's worst mother and my child was doomed to be molested or abused. "You can't expect stranger's to love your child!" is what I was told. And I didn't. I'd leave him there for four hours a day max. He's still at the same daycare. Three days week. We gave him the month off and were considering an entire summer off, but he keeps asking when can he go back to school. He's only three, but he has friends he misses. He's an only child (and will be, at least for a while)so the opportunity to play with other kids is a good one. In August, he will be in the preschool part of their program. We considered moving him to the PreSchool in the local school district or even headstart. Both would save us money, seriously. But he loves his school so much we are going to pay for him to continue at private PreSchool. He has college students as parents. Any money we get goes to bills. And the kid goes to a private PreSchool. Yes, I am a terrible mother. My mother thinks every decision I make for Sun is the wrong one. She basis this on the fact that it is not the decision she would have made. Several times over she says, "I'm not going to say anything else anymore." A week later she's telling me what I did wrong. Always.

About 3 weeks ago we visited her in Chicago. I do this often but limit myself to a 3 day 2 night stay. Any longer than that and I may want to commit suicide. This time I planned a Monday - Sunday stay. My brother was graduating on the Sunday. I figure the weekday couldn't be too bad. She works all day and doesn't make it home until about 7 in the evening. Unfortunately, we had a derecho storm in my town, which is also called and "inland hurricane," that took out power for a week the Friday before I was to go to Chicago. So we left early. I got to spend the whole weekend with my mother. Ignoring her jabs and low blows. "Why don't you comb that out of his head and let me braid it?" Sun's hair is locing. *SMH* Saturday, she told me I need to give her my schedule of activities so she knows what's going on each day. I didn't have any "schedule." Any friends I have remaining in Chicago are crappy and always forget to return calls, or that I'm there, or whatever. Ok, that's just one. The other sleeps all day because she bartends at night. The third, lives here, she was up there, but still. We don't do anything but go to each other's houses and watch TV, play with Sun, and cook. She kept demanding my schedule on Sunday and I told her, rather than stress and disappoint myself by calling folk to see what is going on, I won't do anything if this schedule is needed so badly. I was sincere. It didn't bother me none. I just wanted to relax anyway. I did decide to take Sun to the zoo. Mother was thrilled. She let me take the car, which by the way is a pothole magnet, and gave money for parking ($19 yikes!)and food and toys. We went to the zoo. He saw the penguins, a hippo's butt, rode the train, ate some popcorn, saw a wolf, and then there was the jungle treetops. Think of McDonald's playland, except suspended really high in the air. Oh Sun was all for it. No problem. I am a cool mom and had sanitizing wipes in my bag. Up he goes.



And two hours later, he's yet to come down. All the other kids come down when called. Mind you, they also had other kids they came with. If there had been another kid he came with, and that kid came when called, so would Sun. But no. He said he wasn't coming down. At one point he climbed to the highest point and said he was going to sleep. I feared that threat was real. Which meant me, in my pretty mommy makeup, heels, and cutesy outfit, would have to climb up and in this thing to retrieve my child. Finally, he asks if he could take off his socks. YES! I tell him he has to climb all the way out the exit and I would take them for him. This works. He tells me as he makes his way down, "we're not going home." I hate to betray him, but as soon as he got to me, I snatched his behind up and straight to the bathroom we went. He will remember that moment. Even now, he no longer outright defies, but slowly makes his way to us when called from the park and playlands. Come to think of it, since that time he has not cried when leaving those places which he ALWAYS did. Point is, I told my mother all this. She had a fit. I obviously have no control over my child. Children are to be molded exactly the way we want them to be. She NEVER experienced what I am with my Sun (mind you I'm having a ball). I got to thinking, hmmm..... yep, she molded us pretty well. Maybe that's why all three of us started herbs by 14? One of my brother's just got his degree from and artsy school, that should explain him. The other is about to spend five years in high school. And me, I'm a hippie who let my hair loc into a bird's nest one summer. I had four or five boyfriends another summer. I'm a proud career student. And I'm considering rearranging my family into and African Matriarchy. I'm pretty sure she saw never that coming.

See, my thing is, not only does she have no issue with inserting her opinion, she also believes it's okay to tell me what a failure I am as a mother. She can't believe I don't give my child beef or bacon. Or that he eats at random times. Or that he is not a fat butterball. She told my father I am starving my child. My Sun is slim and has muscles. I don't know anyone who is suffering from starvation with muscles. He's three and has muscles!!! She also told me, with her hand about a foot from the ground, I'm that little. And that I will always only be a child to her. So whatever I have to say doesn't matter. Hmmm.... what she said didn't bother me, but that she actually attempts to say hurtful things does. This is why when I left for college in January 2001, I have never been back to her home for longer than two weeks since. I just don't get it. Then I think, maybe all parents are severely condescending and insulting of their children. Maybe it's me. Maybe telling her I refuse to allow anyone to consistently negatively criticize me for the sake of making themselves feel better, was wrong. She also told me people who can't take criticism are weak and will be ate alive. Come to think of it, I didn't say I can't, I said I won't. I just don't get it. Why fight with me? We are not competing for anything. Maybe she thinks so. She keeps saying I'm not smarter than her no matter what I think. I never thought I was. Or said so.

This stresses me because I really want her to be nice and loving and not evil. She's not evil. She's hateful. I didn't go to my brother's graduation. My husband came up that Thursday to pick up my Sun. His parents, who live in the Bahamas, were going to be in Indiana for his sister's track meet. It bumped with bro's graduation, so the plan was for him to grab the kid so he can spend time with his other grandparents. I just left as well. There was no way I was going to stick around that woman by myself. I could have went to my father's house. But his wife thinks I'm possessed with demons. No joke. They're Jehovah's Witnesses. Long story. I have decided I will no longer visit my parents unless I have my own hotel. And have brought my car. **sighs**

realizations

I just heard my husband laugh at the television in the other room. It was the strangest thing because I suddenly realized how real it was and how forced everything else is...

No Drama Mama

People who are around me these days will say one of the things I champion most about myself is that I've no drama in my life. That might be a teensy lie as my drama is of another sort. I am married, 4+ years with a 3 year old boy. My husband and I argue sure, but about dishes and laundry. I had drama yesterday. Baby boy is, for lack of a better term, anal retentive. He hates to poop. He rather do it in his pull up than in the toilet. I do know why, but whatever. Usually, he'll go in his room and close the door thinking he is hiding from us. Last night, we tried sitting on the potty three times. Oh he screamed and fought. So I let him have his pull up back. The fourth time, he ran to the bathroom and I after him. He said, "No Mommy!" and shut the door on me. Fine, I left him. I figured he would poop in his pull up as always and be fine. At least he's in the right room. Two minutes later I hear the toilet flush. I run in to him. His pull up is still on put somehow, there is a thick layer of poop smeared across the bathroom floor with a radius of a foot. Seriously. The wall looked as though it had been attacked by monkeys. And poo was all over the toilet seat. None in the bowl of course. I look at my smiling boy and ask what happened. "There's poo poo everywhere!" Yes. Indeed there was.

Later, after all the poo was gone, my husband and I had a talk. We have the same talk over and over. We've been married over four years and we have definitely become a married couple. We just live. Which is a problem because I am a person who thrives on spontaneity and romance, passion and tingly feelings. We wake, eat, dress, drop our boy at pre-school, and go class. I am a grad student and he is pursuing a second bachelors. In the course of our day I work in an organizational office, do research for a professor and attempt to get school work done. He goes to class and works out. He is an amateur athlete/personal trainer. In the evening, if neither of us are at meetings, we manage dinner, playing with our boy, and homework. Then we sleep and start again. I think I'll meditate my woes away. Reading over this I feel silly complaining. He's a good husband.