Blue Days

At times I claim to have defeated my greatest enemy. Other times, it just feels so comforting, like an addict I suppose. I'm not blue at the moment, but the other day, I told myself if I would just give in for but a moment, I could pull myself right back out. I said it would make everything feel better. So I did. I told my Sun mommy didn't feel well and needed a nap and if he could just please play in the front and watch TV I would feel better in a moment. Three hours later, I did feel better, my Sun was happy to see me up. I noticed a stool had been pulled up next to the stove and the pan of muffins hubby had left on there before he went to work was empty. The kid had fended for himself. Thank god he hadn't found a need to attempt operation of the oven. I would have had to act on one of many thoughts I had as I drifted into my depression induced sleep had any catastrophe ensued for neglecting my Sun in order to baby my own emotion.

A brand new day!

I have become to refocus on all the things I want for myself. I sometimes wonder I lose focus in the first place but quickly drop those those thoughts. All that matters is from here on in. Now and the future. I can accomplish all I put my mind to regardless of rules and or expectations. I am going with what feels right.

Right now, I have my sights set on this winter and our vacation to the Bahamas. This will be my third time visiting and I'm staying for just over two weeks. I am thrilled about his particular visit because I have four friends visiting as well. And my sister in law has 2 friends coming. We're calling it our Bahamas Slumber Party. We'll spend New Years and New Years Eve in Atlantis and Aquaventure. We will spend a day in Eleuthera the Island known for it's beautiful pink sands. Boxing Day parade, Bay street, the Christmas Carnival, all of it we will visit. Personally, my favorite thing to do is shop in the Straw Market. It's a knock off girl's dream!

Yesterday I cam across a Jujumamablog.com and feel as though a breath of new life has been given to me. To see a black women speaking so openly and matter of factly about marriage, relationships and sex in the way she does made me stand up and say, "Yes!" Seriously. I have had similar ideas myself for awhile and have always believed it is perfectly okay to love more than one being at a time. Because of the way our society functions and because I made a promise when I got married, I have acknowledged time and again there is a different and better way to go about our notions on love and marriage but "honored" marriage in the way that is expected of me. But I am thinking it is time for us to head into a new direction. All the research in my academic life is pointing me here, my own life experiences has pointed me her, and randomly youtubing pointed me here. All signs point to go, so it is time to make a move.

You can check out Jujumama at Jujumamablog.com or check out the video below.


Additionally, I decided I HAVE to purchase her book:


You can find out more about this at http://jujumamablog.com/change-your-man/

I just am moving forward, and it feels so good. Working out and watching my body being to take the shape I've wanted for it is invigortating! I am beginning to feel sexy at all times without having to put on certain clothes or makeup! The purchase of the new blender/emulsifier is exciting as well. I signed up for a 21 day food challenge. Suddenly it seems so much easier than I ever expected!!! I already love to eat leafy greens and prefer "liquid breakfast." I can see myself going like this permanently. Well, maybe like 90% of the time. I do love seafood.

So many good things have happened to me suddenly! First, and this may seem little, but I order a print from Jaishi.com:

I saw it over a month ago after finding Jaishi on Twitter. I wanted to order it right away but decided to wait. After following Jaishi for a while, she posted a buy one get one free sale. I was thrilled. I ordered my two prints for the price of one and it came withing a week. They are so beautiful! She also included two stamps with images of her other paintings on them as well as a smaller print for free! I already know I will be ordering something else from her soon!

So the second thing that happened is I received a facebook message from one of the groups I admin on that site. Basically, the creator was asking all of the admins if we were still interested in helping with the group. I know I had shrugged off my duties for awhile and apparently so had others. I decided to step up to the plate again not only for that group but also for a smaller group I had created which between 600 and 700 members. Within a week, I received an email from Chris-Tia Donaldson, author of the book Thank God I'm Natural! She asked if I could possibly spread the word about her book to all of my group members and in return she would send me a copy of the book. I jumped at the opportunity. My book arrived within a week signed by her! I was so delighted. It's a great book, especially for anyone considering going natural. A how to guide for natural hair. I truly wish I had this years ago. I am not saying that because I got a free book, but because it is really that good!


Finally, I made a youtube video with an update of my locs, as seen below. I tweeted about it, and the owner of one of the blogs I admire ontheroadtoqueendom.com asked if she could repost my vid on her blog! It's there now, go check it out. I just woke up feeling so brand new today deciding only good things can happen in my life and they are!

Peace and love everybody!

Nike as motivation

I've had a hard time recently. I am battling half of myself. The half of me that likes to convince that it is easier not to try, not to get out of bed, not to bother. This is the half that caused me to drop out of college when I got pregnant. It is very clever at creating excuses that make loads of sense. I used to think this half was simply a lazy gene a high school counselor told me I had as I barely graduated. But I now understand it is depression that I battle. It comes and goes. Mostly goes. But when it's here, it makes sure no one is unaware. I stop answering my phone and won't even check voice mails. Everything irritates me. And everything becomes next to impossible to attempt. Usually, I just lay down, all day, and hope it will leave. Sleeping means I can't overeat, I can't yell at anyone, and I don't have to have the 'recognize your higher self' pep talks my hubby likes to give. He's good at them actually. And they are quite effective after we've gotten past me throwing books at him. When I'm like this I just want to be left alone, however, that tends to be a main trigger of these episodes. When I have nothing to do, I began to feel useless. I detest feeling so. I thrive off of being useful. Particularly, I enjoy being knowledged on little known, yet gravely important truths. And I enjoy enlightening others, unintentionally. I notice I tend to assume everything I know is common knowledge. Therefore, at times, I get exasperated with regular folk. This category includes the undergrads I advise via our Black Affairs Council. I am constantly astounded when I hear myself saying stuff like, you've never heard of Little Brother? You do know the student center has more than three floors; Fastweb.com has so may scholarships you can apply for; It's considered inappropriate to tell people what you want to pledge and even worse for you to imitate their strolls and signs; All blacks ain't Christian; Original Egyptians were not the same color as me; The bible was commissioned by Constantine; The banjo comes from Africa; Integration hurt us more than helping us and so forth and so on. I mean these are all little things, but I figured everyone knew this stuff. My point. My point is that this makes me feel useful. I currently have several things I can do to feel useful, but I have had a hard time motivating myself to get to it. Just do it. Nike.

I am trying to just do it. I know I can accomplish any and all I set my mind to. But I can't seem to set my mind on anything. I haven't even been motivated to type. But I am pressing ever onward. I thought to myself today, I have a healthy family, my husband is Mr. Wonders, my kid is the cutest, I'm beautiful, healthy, inspirational (I am told), I am on the path I have set out for myself. I have concluded my human self, as opposed to my detachable spirit, is doing what Westernized humans do. I am trying to find reasons to be unhappy. I have a wonderful life except for this depression that I can't seem to kick. I can ignore it and delay it but it always returns.

I chatted with one of my online buddies yesterday and she was telling me how she has so much she can do creatively but her thing is finding the time. I told her just go after it and time will be made. I need to tell myself that. I just have to do what it is I want and it will get done. Just do it. My new mantra. Just do it.

My seven cycle

So I've always known, but come to appreciate even more today, that my life works out in these seven year cycles. Most understand seven is a divine number. But seven is also my number. I recognized it from the time I was six and wanted to be seven badly and decided it was my number forever. Numerologically, it is also my number. I feel this simply represents my direct cosmic connection to the ethers, various dimensions, ancestral spirits and of course, source energy. As a human being, it has manifested itself in the way my life has played out. Seven years after I lost my virginity, I got married (yes I was a baby). Seven years from when I initially began, I obtained my bachelor's. I overindulged in herbal remedies, trying to soothe my depression, for seven years before I was forced to quit. I also suffered depression for seven years. This year, I finally feel I am the woman I aimed to become once I was able to decide exactly what it is that is me. I defined all that in 2002. Today is 2009, seven years. It was a work in progress, an will continue to evolve, but I can say I have reached my initial vision.

So, in 2002, I decided I wanted to be happy in my skin. I no longer wanted other people's perceptions, ideas and socialization to affect how I carried myself. Because before that point I did. I had a friend, a negative little girl, who was the official naysayer to whatever I expressed interest in. When I would attempt to wear my hair out in an afro, people would say stuff like, "who she think she is? Erykah Badu wannabe." I'd go and tie my hair down. Oh, how could I forget? My last perm was in 2002. Seven years ago and now I have made this final dedication to loc'ing my hair without taking it down or cutting it for at least 6 years. Maybe I'll switch it to seven just in case. So in 2002, I met some great people who were all at various stages of fighting to be themselves. Everyone was nappy. I decided I no longer desired to have the latest fashion just because its what everyone else was wearing (it never felt right on me). I began to speak openly about what I believed and my perceptions on various ideas in the classroom even if it went completely against the grain of what everyone else was saying. I spoke firmly but would always end my statements with, "I don't even know if I'm making any sense," as a way provide a disclaimer, or apologize for what I said. But people began to smile, the "normal" people, black kids and professors with the latest styles, the cool kids, the greek people, girls with weave wraps. The moment I felt I was becoming new was the day in class when we discussed the idea of black women having to make a choice between careers and having a family. While most of the class said there was no choice, I argued that even if you get married, have kids AND a career, something would suffer. You can either be a super mom and be mediocre in your job or be a ball buster, pulling in loot and respect, but having to rely on sitters, teachers and television to raise your child. I have since re-evaluated my position, but that day, in 2002, when I made my five minute long comment, no one said a word afterwards. I felt as I must have said the dumbest thing. Then my professor leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head and asked, "class?" They broke out in applause. I still get red faced thinking of it. But at that moment, I began to understand I had very different ideas and it only served for the greater of all to be sure they were heard. Today, seven years later, I am taking steps to ensure I just don't say whatever whenever. Rather, I want to implement what I know will make a difference. I started my first blog back in 2002 and since that time I've been told several times over I should write a book. I always figured I would, but I also figured who would want to read it if it's not about sex? You see, I would only want to write with a black audience in mind. Because that is what makes the most sense to me. That is who I am and who I aim to help. I don't know what it is that I will write on, but it will be something. I just am now pulling it together. I just now have the conviction that I can accomplish something like a book. Previously I thought it was procrastination and laziness that would hold me back. But once I determined it was depression that tied my hands and mind down, and after being able to pinpoint the source of that depression, I feel as I have emerged the woman I always wanted to be.

I had more to say, but something just threw me terribly off.

married forever?

This blog is in response to a comment made on an earlier entry. I'm reposting it here as it is anonymous and to give background:

Mrs. Wonderful,

In the past year I have been thinking about a similar sentiment, but it is definitely hard to get past because of our socialization. You said, "the expectation that as humans we are only to bind ourselves to one singular individual for the entirety of our lives despite how we and they may evolve, is rubbish".

I want to hear more of your thoughts on this either here in reply or in another blog (look at me making requests). I ask because currently, I have been married for 6 years, but have been seperated for the last year. He is dating and Lord knows I'm trying (can't seem to meet anyone though). I feel the need to explore and see my options. However, there is a gnawing part of me that says, you should try and work it out. He has begged to the point of tears several times. It's not that I think we have evolved in seperate directions (we have, but I think with this distance we've had from each other, there is the potential to overcome that challenge), it's moreso that I love the man, but don't feel all the romantic stuff anymore. I really don't want to be out of his life in absolute terms, but I want to feel romantically inspired by the one I chose to love. I always ask myself if I'm being silly, because all I'm asking for is "infatuation"--And I wonder if I am holding out for infatuation only to end up in the same place in years to come---or whether or not this is the end and the both of us should really begin the legal process????????? Of course, I don't expect you to have the answers, I just wanna hear more on your views as they may challenge my own.

So I'll attempt to tackle this. :-)
I am currently convinced that marriage as we understand it in the U.S. is a load of crock. In advance, for anyone who is devoutly Christian this may be hard to digest, but this is just my sentiment. The whole, you are bound to a singular individual to have and to hold, till death do you part, just is unrealistic. Think about it. When you get married, this person is your romantic partner for life. They also become like a sibling. A business partner. Depending on you situation, they may control or spend all your money. Sometimes, they become that child you never asked for. The relationship becomes multifaceted. You may be fortunate enough to be ones of those people who claim, "my spouse is my best friend," but everyone who I know who is married has a best friend elsewhere. My point is, it is very difficult to remain head over heels infatuated once you know everything there is to know about your spouse.

Beyond that, why should we be expected to limit ourselves from potentially cosmic connections of various sorts with various individuals once we have decided to form a family with one person? Currently, I cannot find the article, but I read a piece on a group in Northern Nigeria when doing research on concubines. This particular society is a patriarchal one, however, women are also permitted to have what we would define as concubines. The term they use for them is iko m'bara, until I am corrected otherwise. The iko lives on the property with his own hut and is essentially at the beck and call of the husband as far as chores and other domestic work goes. However, he is the lover of the wife and only her. She may keep him as long as she pleases and when either of them decide that their attraction has wore off, he is free to leave. If he should impregnate the wife. the husband claims the kids no question. Among this group they have a saying, something to effect of sex is sweetest among lovers. And think about it. Marriage essentially becomes utilitarian for most. Sex with a spouse often becomes a chore and is not as thrilling as it was initially. Romance tends to leave because their is no longer a need to please one another. Your already contractually bound. It's a done deal. Am I saying go get yourself and iko? No. I'm just presenting the thought that what we "know" to be right changes when you cross the water. In many matriarchal societies, women are free to divorce as often as they choose and no looks down on them. Issues of paternity are none existent because children belong to the mother's family and generally have an uncle as a father figure whether or not their biological father is around. If he is around, he is busy raising his sister's children. And life seems to go smoother, at least from the tiny bit I have gathered so far.

I have to ask this: are you dating with the intention of finding a someone? Or dating to just enjoy different people's company? Dating to find "someone" is damn near impossible I think because no single individual can possess all the qualities each of us look for in partners. However, in seeking to enjoy people's company and appreciate different unique human traits, I think you, or anyone will find those qualities in different people. I think this is where infatuation comes in. I understand where you are coming from. That brand new feeling, every time you see your loved one's face or hear their ringtone is so special. I miss it myself. :-( You can try to do many things to get it back, but the attempts have to be made on both person's parts. And even so infatuation never lasts so would both would have to be dedicated to recreating these feelings over and over again. Or, you have to deaden yourself to become complacent and satisfied with lack of. But doing so, I believe, would do great disservice and detriment to yourself. That's why I suggest meeting many different people. This doesn't mean one needs to be romantically involved with all of those people, and is doesn't even mean it has to be a man/woman type of relationship. Meeting someone who inspires you to improve on yourself can be just as infatuating as meeting that person who causes you to tingle. There's so many different ways to explain this. The best way, I think is to share the thought I have for myself.

In my mind, (and all married people think about this) I have considered what would I do should I ever unfortunately separate from my husband. I have determined that would not like to be married again, but rather would be sure to surround myself with contientiously like minded individuals. I would seek to create lasting friendships with males and females. When romantic scenarios present themselves, I would enjoy them while it lasts understanding that the other individual involved is their own individual and I would never try to own them for myself. That, in itself, is an attempt at slavery. As for the father of my child, I would never cast him out my life completely. I love him deeply and he is a wonderful person. I imagine I would always be "available" for him as I would for any person I love and admire as much. Of course, this is all based on hypothetical future projections of my Utopian imagination.

Your husband wants to be back with you and you are considering it but still seem to be on the fence. You have to truly ask yourself if you do want to be stuck to one person forever and ever. You only have this life for all we know. Whatever you decide HAS to be what you want for yourself and not based on someone else's pleading. I think it is possible to remain in one another's lives while not necessarily being "exclusive." I guess most would call this open marriage, but the connotations of that term is not what I mean. I'm not condoning swinging or multiple spouses. But I am offering not limiting ourselves to what we have been taught is supposedly right and acceptable.

I want to thank you for sharing and giving me the opportunity to discuss these ideas. I didn't get as deep as I would like, but perhaps for another post. What should I talk about next?

Laws of Attraction:

Yes, i'm an avid "The secret" fan, and I believe in the laws of attraction. In fact i've attracted much thus far. I promise to make a list of all that i've received thus far, but for now, I wanted to list the things I want to attract.

*Now that I am officially in my History M.A. program, I want to be accepted to Emory University for the PhD program in African History. It is number 9 in the country.
*Upon being accepted, I want to be offered The Emory Graduate Diversity Fellowship, to last my entire time of study.
*When I begin my PhD studies I want to live in a modern, spacious, two bedroom apartment with dishwasher and washer and dryer in a multi-unit apartment building complete with security and free wireless hi-speed internet. This apartment will be $800 or less per month and include water, a dedicated parking space and have a lot of sunlight.
*I want to receive my Master's in History with a 4.0 cumulative GPA.
*I want to complete my Master's program in History in August 2010.
*I want to begin the PhD program in African History in the Fall of 2010.
*I want to obtain and fully own a black Mazda3 hatchback before I move to Atlanta.
*I want to live in Atlanta, Georgia when I begin working on my PhD.
*I want Femi to attend an African-centered school in Atlanta and for him to begin that schooling at 4 years old.
*I want my locs to be bra strap length without stretching by August 2010.


I am currently on track to graduate with my M.A. in August 2010. My husband, however, will not be finished with his program until Spring 2011. We have decided that we will not prolong my time here, but that I will go ahead and move to Atlanta with our Sun. I want a two bedroom so we can be comfortable though a large one bedroom will be fine for Sun and I. However, we are seeking for hubby to be placed into a dietetics internship at Emory University Hospital once he completes this degree. This internship will take up all of his time and is unpaid. So if I already have a two bedroom, it will be fine to keep once he arrives. While we are living separately, we want him to have a position as a resident adviser in the dorms or as a dorm parent at the local private high school. In fact, we are seeking for him to get one of those positions for this upcoming fall. For the most part, we live off of my grad money now which is absolute minimal. He works part-time once a week which is less than part time but also does a few personal training sessions. We get by fine. When he begins at the hospital, we will completely rely what I bring in, but I think that is fine. We completely own our cars and anything we receive in the future will be the same way. I know living simply for a few years will pay of manifold in the future.

Just a thought...

"We are star stuff harvesting starlight." - Carl Sagan

Just a thought...

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality." - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.