I got a friggin B!

I got a B on this stupid paper. I feel like I slighted myself somehow. The prof said it seems rushed. It was! Everyone of her stupid papers are rushed. I have to read two friggin books a week and then you want me to write on them. Imma have to tell her. I don't understand have the shit in those books. They're talking Foucault and Bauhaus, Marx and whoever else that is white. I'm just tired of it. I don't get it. The class discussions are damn near impossible for me to get a word in edgewise and whenever I do I sound like the other black girl in the class sounds to me. Like I'm making stuff up as I go along. I read, I actually read these books. I'm absorbing it and attempting to apply it somehow, but now I officially feel like a fraud. FAILURE. Yes, I know, it is a "B" but I am NOT a "B" student. I am exceptional. Bottom line. I have to be to compete with these kids because this is history. Not only is it a white world but it's a white man's world, history is, I mean. I'm going to re write the stupid paper and the one I just handed her. Goddammit.

Blue Days

At times I claim to have defeated my greatest enemy. Other times, it just feels so comforting, like an addict I suppose. I'm not blue at the moment, but the other day, I told myself if I would just give in for but a moment, I could pull myself right back out. I said it would make everything feel better. So I did. I told my Sun mommy didn't feel well and needed a nap and if he could just please play in the front and watch TV I would feel better in a moment. Three hours later, I did feel better, my Sun was happy to see me up. I noticed a stool had been pulled up next to the stove and the pan of muffins hubby had left on there before he went to work was empty. The kid had fended for himself. Thank god he hadn't found a need to attempt operation of the oven. I would have had to act on one of many thoughts I had as I drifted into my depression induced sleep had any catastrophe ensued for neglecting my Sun in order to baby my own emotion.

Two Teachers Fight Over a Man in Front of ATL Students

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Why Women have Sex

Fall thus far...

Just wanted to take a moment to get some of my thoughts done. Grad school is becoming potentially stressful for me. I say potentially because I am trying to remain cool about all this. Time management is extremely important. Like now, for instance. If I had a grip on my time, I most likely would adhere to a schedule and do something on that list rather than type in this blog. But I don't. Not that I won't but at the moment, I don't have a set schedule to do things. I have, hiding behind the screen of this open laptop, about 65 or so mid term papers to grade. I also have two abstracts to pull together in order to propose papers for upcoming conferences. I also have two entire books to read by Monday and I've only gotten through ten pages of one thus far. Oh yea. I am meeting with Dick Gregory on Friday morning. I have to prepare to interview him. Oh yea... I am also beginning to work on this photo-historical book my friend and I are "writing." We hope to have our University's press print it. On top of it all is my family consisting of a three year old who I am trying to raise plus my husband with whom I am in the venture of redefining our relationship on our own terms and not that of which society tells us. This is probably the biggest stressor of all because that societal programming is almost like a computer virus that NEVER goes completely away. So this is all that is going on with me. Oh, and, we are having to choose who we will TA with next semester and I have many professors pulling me in different directions. I keep changing my mind. SMH. So, how are you? For real, I care! leave a comment and tell me how you're fall is going thus far, maybe I'll send you something.... For now enjoy this:

Myesterious Things: The 11th Annual Graduate Symposium on Women’s and Gender History

"Mysterious Things”: The 11th Annual Graduate Symposium on Women’s and Gender History

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign / March 4-6, 2010

Submission Deadline: November 1, 2009

The Executive Committee of the Eleventh Annual Graduate Symposium on Women’s and Gender History at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign is pleased to announce this call for papers. The Symposium, which is the capstone event of the History Department’s Women’s History month celebration, is scheduled for March 4-6, 2010. To celebrate and encourage further work in the field of women’s and gender history, we invite submissions from graduate students from any institution and discipline. The Symposium organizers welcome individual papers on any topic in the field of women’s and gender history; papers submitted as a panel will be judged individually. Preference will be given to scholars who did not present at last year’s Symposium.

The Symposium Executive Committee is interested in assembling a geographically, temporally, and topically diverse body of papers. This year’s theme, “Mysterious Things,” speaks to a variety of trends that are currently shaping the field of women’s and gender history. This is particularly the case as we march on through a world where things—be they ideas, objects, or some strange mix thereof—continue to delight, baffle, liberate, and ruin individuals, as well as global institutions. Successful proposals could directly explore and build upon the implications of the moment in Marx’s thought concerning commodities, wherein what should become inanimate matter actually assumes a mysterious, yet undeniable kind of life. Proposals could begin to chart out this life in a variety of fields—particularly gender and sexuality—and its
effects upon those with whom it comes into contact. Indeed, gender and sexuality are, themselves, mysterious things, and proposals could also include any work that seeks to expose and demystify their strange functions in the everyday life of people and institutions. We welcome all proposals that seek to examine and interrogate any of the nebulous, enigmatic areas included under the rubric of gender and women’s history. The choice of theme is purposefully broad but provocative, inviting
perspectives and reflections from a variety of temporal, geographical, and inter/disciplinary perspectives.

For this year, the Eleventh Annual Symposium, we are delighted to announce a keynote speaker who engages many of these themes in his work: Kevin Floyd, Associate Professor of English, Kent State University, author of The Reification of Desire: Toward a Queer Marxism (University of Minnesota Press, 2009).

The journal Gender & History will again sponsor a prize for the best graduate student paper presented at the Symposium. Conference presenters will also have the opportunity to publish their work in the on-line proceedings volume. We possess limited resources to subsidize travel expenses for presenters. Giving priority to presenters with limited conference experience, we will allocate these funds based on the quality of presenters’ proposals and the availability of funds.

To submit a paper or panel by email (preferred method); please send only one attachment in Word or PDF format containing a 250-word abstract and a one-page curriculum vitae for each paper presenter, commentator, or panel chair to gendersymp at gmail dot com. The subject line of the email must read "Attn: Programming Committee.” We cannot be responsible for submissions that do not meet these conditions.

To submit a paper or panel in a hard copy format, please send five (5) copies of all abstracts and curriculum vitae to: Programming Committee, Graduate Symposium on Women's and Gender History 309 Gregory Hall, MC 466, 810 S. Wright Street Urbana, Illinois 61801.

For more information, please contact Programming Committee Chair, T.J. Tallie at gendersymp at gmail dot com.

Priorities.

Today I met with a classmate of mine to discuss a reading for the class we have tomorrow. While the class is a seminar class and the whole point is discussion of the reading, we have opted to meet every Sunday to decide what points we need to bring up in class so as to be sure sure our thoughts are heard on the subjects. We are the black students in the class. I, a fresh master's student, she, a new PhD student. My prof loved the idea of the black kids setting the agenda. He is a white man legitimately holding a black card for all intents and purposes. Let me say, another black classmate of mine who had him as a professor at another school thought he was an albino the first two years she knew him. Yes. He is a white black man. I'd go so far as to say African. He is an African man. In a white guys body.

Anyway, I got to meet with my new friend and we discussed the reading, briefly. But we also got to share our stories of struggles in school and how we overcame those struggles. She is amazing. Let's call her Fancy. Fancy is from Kenya but she is Ethiopian. She has a husband and a two year old and she is smart. I am thrilled. I admire so much what she has gone through to ensure good grades and quality education. But what is more amazing to me is how they live here. As an international student, they have little money. All the money she receives from the school goes towards bills. We do not receive large stipends at all. In fact, of the schools she was accepted to, she choose this one because it offered the largest stipend. She says her son grows too fast and she purchases all of his clothes at second hand stores. Unless she gets some extra money. Then she buys him new things.

The first day of our T.A. training, she came up to me and said how she is so happy to see there are three Africans in our program. She told me that despite being African American, we are sisters and we have to stick together in our department because we are all we got. And she is SO right! I was thrilled as well to see her and the other girl but the way she embraced me was surprising. In undergrad, I was very involved with our African Student Council. But I have been told more times than once that I was not truly African because I was born here and so were my parents. The African students would laugh at us or some times be irate that we were attempting some faux brand of Africanity. Initially, I would fall silent and get hurt feelings, but eventually I realized they were as blind as some of the Africans on this continent. We are all the same people. My new response became, if your sibling was kidnapped away from your family and taken to another place and then they grew and married and had children and you found one another again, would your children be cousins? Are they still your sibling? In the same way, we are all the same people. Especially because the students I was dealing with then were all from West African countries.

But Fancy is from East Africa. And without any hesitation she claimed me as her friend. I feel very close to her already. I know there is so much I can learn from her. At the same time, she wants her minor focus to be on African American Studies. So she has much to learn from me. We had a lovely time. I made dinner and then I showed her the decades old photographs salvaged from the sociology department's incinerator pile and residing in my office while I decide on how to archive them. She was thrilled. Historian's are like that. We get off on historical documents.

I was able to give her all of Sun's winter and fall clothes from last year. It's too small but just the right size for her son. She walked out with four bags of clothes and shoes! I felt good but in the same way, I felt like I should be living way simpler. I am a student. That is my life. Yet I know I have spent over a grand in the past month on clothes and accessories. I am not exaggerating. I have so many clothes and shoes and everyday I find a reason to buy more. I love to buy food from restaurants. I hate fast food so any lunch I buy, even to go is costing at least $10. I dress nice to campus every day. Not undergrad nice, but office nice. I get compliments all day, every day and I love it but now I wonder if I am dressing for the compliments rather than to be appropriately attired. I feel foolish. What is really important to me?

Fancy was able to attend a Midwestern university after getting in bachelor's in Nairobi. Her school gave the top female student full tuition scholarship plus an assistantship at the Midwestern school every year. When she graduated she was that student. When I graduated, I had to finagle my way into grad school on a hope and a prayer. Nonetheless, she says we will push each other to be the very best because as Black women we can do anything. I believe her.

Beating the brick wall

I am smack dab in the middle of a life change right now. In two days, I officially begin my graduate program (though I did spend last semester in graduate school) and I begin my teaching career as a TA. Career wise, I hope to be a professor. And all professors begin as TA's. I had my training last week and also orientation for my department. And as confident as I usually pretend to be, I began to freak right out yesterday. My entire day went wrong. Nothing of serious note happened, but I did feel an overwhelming sense of overwhelment (as a scholar, I get to make up words). So what did I do? I called my husband hoping that he could offer some encouragement and sympathy. More so, sympathy. Look, I know I will get through this. I know this is simply my anxiety factor taking over. All the encouragement and motivation in the world I already contain within myself. But every so often, I need someone to say, "Honey, it's okay to feel this way. But you know you will do good."

My husband has no sympathy.

He has been my official ass kicker since we married almost five years ago. He pushes me to get things done. Which is very ironic since it seems that there are tasks that would be impossible for him were it not for me to walk him through every single tiny step. So in a sense, we push each other. And that is awesome. But, he never goes easy. His idea of easy is, "I didn't say anything and now I can't take it." From one extreme to another. Whenever I try to explain this to him, he will find a way to justify his reasoning based on my inability to do x, y and or z. My husband is a wonderful dad. And he is a hard worker. And, technically, at the moment, he has four part time jobs, a full time class schedule, he is the "president" (they have some Greek term for it, but I can't spell it) of the graduate chapter of his fraternity here, he is the father of my child, and, did I mention, he is my husband.

I just cannot take it anymore.

I try to reason with myself: He is not abusive; He does not cheat; He is not cruel; He is a wonderful father; He nursed me back to (if I ever had it previously at all) mental health; He has introduced me to my physical health. But I constantly feel inadequate. And I find myself despising him.

My husband is also permanent resident. At times, I speak for him when taking care of red tape matters because I know how to "talk" to get things accomplished and it seems like he can't find the words to begin. I worry that he would not be able to function optimally without me. I feel guilt.

Several times throughout the day, yesterday, I called him to say I was stressing out. Each time he responded to the effect of, I can't think about stress, I just have to do what I have to do. I told him I felt overwhelmed. He said not to focus on negative. After a very stressful morning and afternoon of running around from office to office, I had to drive two hours to the airport to pick up his sister and two hours right back. When I got to the city, of course there was stop and go, but mostly stopped, traffic. I wanted to rip the steering wheel off the car and beat all the horrific drivers with it. When I returned to our town, rather late, I had to stop at Wal-mart to pick up some much needed household items, which also meant negotiating with my child as to what he could and could not get, toy-wise. I returned home, and my husband should have just been walking through the door at the same time except the person who was to relieve him was not coming in. So husband was late, though he had explained it. When he had explained it, I was a bit non-understanding regarding the person who was irresponsible. I was not upset at my husband, but I let him know that the situation did not make me happy. When he walked through the door, I attempted to just throw myself in his arms. I badly needed a hug. I am a hugger. It makes everything better. For him, hugs cannot possibly correct anything. He has said so. I got a one arm pat on the back and was told I was too mean today to deserve a hug.

I cannot take this any longer.

I want to tell him, just withdraw from school, take the baby, and go back to the Bahamas. I'll see you guys on break.

I need a break.

Maybe after being apart awhile, we will appreciate one another.

I keep trying to make my spouse the person I turn to when I need an ear. But he never fails to instead explain why I need an ear and how I could do better to not find myself in such situations. I just want him to be my person. I'm his person. He is my inferiority complex. I know better. So why does this make my chest hurt?

School

Two more days and it begins. THE SEMESTER. Doesn't that seem so foreboding? It's not. Technically classes do not start until the 24th, however my teaching assistant training does begin on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it. Until this point, I have only advised students and I always approached it in a older sister kinda way. All my students were African American. Now it's going to be different. I will be leading a "discussion" section for a history lecture. I will, of course, be attending the lectures. World history isn't something I keep foremost in my mind. African American history, KMT, and African, we can start talking. But I definitely needs some brushing up for World History. Being a Grad TA is a new role for me. It is like the official beginning of what I hope to be a long and fruitful career as an academic...

current mood a la J*Davey

Syracuse University has 10 Full Rides for African American Men and Women Interested in Studying Architecture

Hi everybody,
This could be a great opportunity for you or someone you know. Spread the word!
Syracuse University has 10 Full Rides for African American Men and Women Interested in Studying Architecture

Mark Robbins, Dean of Syracuse University's School of Architecture is desperately seeking young men and women of color interested in pursuing a five year professional degree in Architecture. He says he's deeply committed to bringing diversity to his field and has scholarship money set aside to fully cover education costs for 10 students. He says that Hispanic enrollment in the school has increased substantially, but it's been harder to attract Blacks. Syracuse University School of Architecture has a great reputation and this seems like a terrific opportunity, so please pass this on to everyone you know.

Contact:
Mark Robbins, Dean, School of Architecture (315) 443-2256
http://soa.syr.edu/index.php
School of Architecture
Syracuse University
201 Slocum Hall
Syracuse , NY 13244-1250
(315) 443-2256

Goapele - "Milk and Honey"

After a four year hiatus Goapele is BACK!!!

Milk and Honey - Goapele from goapele on Vimeo.

A brand new day!

I have become to refocus on all the things I want for myself. I sometimes wonder I lose focus in the first place but quickly drop those those thoughts. All that matters is from here on in. Now and the future. I can accomplish all I put my mind to regardless of rules and or expectations. I am going with what feels right.

Right now, I have my sights set on this winter and our vacation to the Bahamas. This will be my third time visiting and I'm staying for just over two weeks. I am thrilled about his particular visit because I have four friends visiting as well. And my sister in law has 2 friends coming. We're calling it our Bahamas Slumber Party. We'll spend New Years and New Years Eve in Atlantis and Aquaventure. We will spend a day in Eleuthera the Island known for it's beautiful pink sands. Boxing Day parade, Bay street, the Christmas Carnival, all of it we will visit. Personally, my favorite thing to do is shop in the Straw Market. It's a knock off girl's dream!

Yesterday I cam across a Jujumamablog.com and feel as though a breath of new life has been given to me. To see a black women speaking so openly and matter of factly about marriage, relationships and sex in the way she does made me stand up and say, "Yes!" Seriously. I have had similar ideas myself for awhile and have always believed it is perfectly okay to love more than one being at a time. Because of the way our society functions and because I made a promise when I got married, I have acknowledged time and again there is a different and better way to go about our notions on love and marriage but "honored" marriage in the way that is expected of me. But I am thinking it is time for us to head into a new direction. All the research in my academic life is pointing me here, my own life experiences has pointed me her, and randomly youtubing pointed me here. All signs point to go, so it is time to make a move.

You can check out Jujumama at Jujumamablog.com or check out the video below.


Additionally, I decided I HAVE to purchase her book:


You can find out more about this at http://jujumamablog.com/change-your-man/

I just am moving forward, and it feels so good. Working out and watching my body being to take the shape I've wanted for it is invigortating! I am beginning to feel sexy at all times without having to put on certain clothes or makeup! The purchase of the new blender/emulsifier is exciting as well. I signed up for a 21 day food challenge. Suddenly it seems so much easier than I ever expected!!! I already love to eat leafy greens and prefer "liquid breakfast." I can see myself going like this permanently. Well, maybe like 90% of the time. I do love seafood.

So many good things have happened to me suddenly! First, and this may seem little, but I order a print from Jaishi.com:

I saw it over a month ago after finding Jaishi on Twitter. I wanted to order it right away but decided to wait. After following Jaishi for a while, she posted a buy one get one free sale. I was thrilled. I ordered my two prints for the price of one and it came withing a week. They are so beautiful! She also included two stamps with images of her other paintings on them as well as a smaller print for free! I already know I will be ordering something else from her soon!

So the second thing that happened is I received a facebook message from one of the groups I admin on that site. Basically, the creator was asking all of the admins if we were still interested in helping with the group. I know I had shrugged off my duties for awhile and apparently so had others. I decided to step up to the plate again not only for that group but also for a smaller group I had created which between 600 and 700 members. Within a week, I received an email from Chris-Tia Donaldson, author of the book Thank God I'm Natural! She asked if I could possibly spread the word about her book to all of my group members and in return she would send me a copy of the book. I jumped at the opportunity. My book arrived within a week signed by her! I was so delighted. It's a great book, especially for anyone considering going natural. A how to guide for natural hair. I truly wish I had this years ago. I am not saying that because I got a free book, but because it is really that good!


Finally, I made a youtube video with an update of my locs, as seen below. I tweeted about it, and the owner of one of the blogs I admire ontheroadtoqueendom.com asked if she could repost my vid on her blog! It's there now, go check it out. I just woke up feeling so brand new today deciding only good things can happen in my life and they are!

Peace and love everybody!

4 month loc update

Just a thought.

Lisa Wu Hartwell. I have decided to use her as inspiration for my human self. I mean, she is such a go getter. Everything she sets her mind to she not only accomplishes, but blows it out of the water. And she stays busy.

Nike as motivation

I've had a hard time recently. I am battling half of myself. The half of me that likes to convince that it is easier not to try, not to get out of bed, not to bother. This is the half that caused me to drop out of college when I got pregnant. It is very clever at creating excuses that make loads of sense. I used to think this half was simply a lazy gene a high school counselor told me I had as I barely graduated. But I now understand it is depression that I battle. It comes and goes. Mostly goes. But when it's here, it makes sure no one is unaware. I stop answering my phone and won't even check voice mails. Everything irritates me. And everything becomes next to impossible to attempt. Usually, I just lay down, all day, and hope it will leave. Sleeping means I can't overeat, I can't yell at anyone, and I don't have to have the 'recognize your higher self' pep talks my hubby likes to give. He's good at them actually. And they are quite effective after we've gotten past me throwing books at him. When I'm like this I just want to be left alone, however, that tends to be a main trigger of these episodes. When I have nothing to do, I began to feel useless. I detest feeling so. I thrive off of being useful. Particularly, I enjoy being knowledged on little known, yet gravely important truths. And I enjoy enlightening others, unintentionally. I notice I tend to assume everything I know is common knowledge. Therefore, at times, I get exasperated with regular folk. This category includes the undergrads I advise via our Black Affairs Council. I am constantly astounded when I hear myself saying stuff like, you've never heard of Little Brother? You do know the student center has more than three floors; Fastweb.com has so may scholarships you can apply for; It's considered inappropriate to tell people what you want to pledge and even worse for you to imitate their strolls and signs; All blacks ain't Christian; Original Egyptians were not the same color as me; The bible was commissioned by Constantine; The banjo comes from Africa; Integration hurt us more than helping us and so forth and so on. I mean these are all little things, but I figured everyone knew this stuff. My point. My point is that this makes me feel useful. I currently have several things I can do to feel useful, but I have had a hard time motivating myself to get to it. Just do it. Nike.

I am trying to just do it. I know I can accomplish any and all I set my mind to. But I can't seem to set my mind on anything. I haven't even been motivated to type. But I am pressing ever onward. I thought to myself today, I have a healthy family, my husband is Mr. Wonders, my kid is the cutest, I'm beautiful, healthy, inspirational (I am told), I am on the path I have set out for myself. I have concluded my human self, as opposed to my detachable spirit, is doing what Westernized humans do. I am trying to find reasons to be unhappy. I have a wonderful life except for this depression that I can't seem to kick. I can ignore it and delay it but it always returns.

I chatted with one of my online buddies yesterday and she was telling me how she has so much she can do creatively but her thing is finding the time. I told her just go after it and time will be made. I need to tell myself that. I just have to do what it is I want and it will get done. Just do it. My new mantra. Just do it.

Can't a girl have a drink?

I'm posting because I need to write. An update I suppose. This weekend is my school's Black Alumni Reunion. I am THRILLED. I am currently enrolled but I am alum too. Got my first degree here. And my friends are coming! (I know you wanna scroll down and say, didn't this chick say she ain't got no friends?) But they are and I'll be nice and inebriated. *sigh*

Hubby and I had a lunch date today and I told him, "I've never been to the vineyard. That'll be fun. I am so ready for the drinking to begin." Because that's what we did in undergrad. We drank. And what better way to commemorate our experience than by drinking. To which he responds, "I think you should stay as far away from alcohol as possible." I politely told him no. I will be drunk. Thank you.

Where does he get off!?! I NEVER drink. The last Black Alumni I was nursing (no drinking) and the one before I was pregnant (no drinking). My kid needed me, so I didn't go out except to a BBQ. I am not an old maid nor a "mama" meaning my life is defined by the fact of my child's existence. I want to have fun. I think hubby just wants me to jump aboard his purification train. He's an athlete and wants to be in top shape. But also for his own spirituality. Which I think is lovely. Honestly. But I'm just getting over caffeine (I say as I sip my iced mocha with soy). I love people but don't fully enjoy myself in "party" situations without alcohol. Why you ask? Because I only like to be around Black people. And unfortunately, where I live, black parties only play bullshit music which I will spend my entire night complaining about and breaking down the degrading and destructive messages if it where not for alcohol to drown out the lyrics and keep my head bobbing to the nonsense. And I don't go out anyway. Just once in awhile. I last went out one night in May and before that the last weekend in February and even that was to my girl's house where we all sat around and watch the BET version of Malcolm X followed by a game of taboo til 4 in the morning. That is my going out.

Anyway, Hubby wound up saying, just have a good time. Enjoy yourself. I'm glad he did, because otherwise I would have felt guilty drinking around him.

This is why I look forward to moving to Atlanta. I'm going ahead of him. Perhaps I will find some stimulating places to visit that don't require me to drink in order to enjoy them. I'm told in L.A. there are all sorts of Black people "like me" that gather in convenient nightlife spots. We'll see.

The Uppity Down to Earth Black Chic

I've been re-evaluating myself on the whole, my personality, how I come off to others, what I believe, yadda yadda ya. I know in my last post I was talking about how I find I have terrible friends. But I think at times I may also be a bad friend. Rather, I am bad at being a friend sometimes. Since my Sun has arrived, 3 years ago, I don't do phone conversations. Maybe no one does. But I can't sit on the phone and just talk about whatever. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to talk about. Maybe not. I know the times when I find I would like to have an in depth convo, hubby is always near by. And he likes to eavesdrop. Everything is not for him to hear. We are married and all, but my business is mine and his is his. I don't even go through his phone. NEVA.

Back to the point. I also mentioned previously there was a person who was trying to be a good friend to me, but I allowed my own insecurities to get in the way. There was more than one now that I have thought about it. In fact, I have a very good friend who served as an example and motivation for me. But previously, I always felt like I kept failing to live up to some imaginary standards for her; Meaning, I created a standard based on her wonderful example and failed to meet it by far and thus allowed myself to think she thought I was a failure as well. Thankfully, one thing I have learned in all my lonesomeness, try, try again. And today I am back on track. She is still a key motivation of mine and I made a move to contact her, let her know how I felt and she is coming to visit me! She is a person I can feel at home with, if you know what I mean.

I also realized I may come off as "holier than thou" to some people who may look up to me. Years ago, I recognized that people had begun to put on some type of pedestal. It was shared with me time and time again that something I had said or did had caused someone to make significant, positive, positive changes to their lives. More often than not, these were people who I did not know on a personal level. I was constantly recommended for various things, such as serving as master of ceremonies, sitting as a representative on board meetings, having dinner with distinguished guests and on and on. This was (and still mostly is) my life in the academic realm. I use to shrug off people's suggestions that I was so inspirational mostly because I felt I was a fraud. I don't feel that way anymore. However, I do fear that I have become a perfect example of what I detest. A self-righteous bitch. Let me clarify, some years ago, I knew this one chic who was nappier than thou, blacker than thou, more righteous than thou, all of it. She had the nerve to be a stuck up down to earth black girl. Me and my girl got a kick out laughing at her. She had no problem be rude and obnoxious to black people still in need of "waking up." Worse, she was even rudder to folks who were new, shall we say, to the black consciousness thing. She basically, had a BAD attitude and not Michael Jackson bad. We always did this thing where we'd have a gathering at someone's house on a weekend day so people could come and sing, or read poetry or whatever. It's was a means of stimulation and good company. At some point, after this girl left, I think, it was decided to be moved to my house. I agreed and ol' girls good friend suggested we call it by the same name it had when it had been at the girl's house like three or four years before. I wanted other names but agreed. It's what everyone else wanted. Do you know this chic called me and told me I had no right to call it that because people would think it was the same thing and it WAS NOT seeing as I was the person organizing it. (this is all her accusations) It was actually her friend organizing but whatever. I just wanted to share how damn uppity she was. Anyway...

The other day, I was in a preparation meeting for an event we have going on. Before we started, this girl I had previously done some events with asked me if I had twisted my hair again. No, I told her I was locking it. But I'm sure I may have made a face. Because I am told I make faces when people annoy me so I am sure I may have made some type of face when the girl suggested I had "twisted" my hair again. I know the last time I saw her at an event, her friend who came with her told me she didn't have "good hair" like me. I am positive I rolled my eyes and responded, "I get so sick of black people and this good hair bad hair non-sense." I know, it was mean. But I do, and I'm tired of being the polite teacher at times. It doesn't help that most of the people I act snobbishly towards are at least five years younger than me. At Least. I have attempted to curb my attitude by refraining from saying anything at all. However, people get to asking me questions in attempts to be my friend (ah, the irony). "What church do you go to?" "I don't go to church. I'm not Christian." "You're not Christian?!? Aren't you afraid to go to hell? OR I thought all black people were christian! OR How can you not believe in god?"

This gets much eye rolling and patronizing comments from me. Because I am tired of answering the same folly over and over again. I am just tired of being everyone teacher for things outside their realm. Go pick up a book or google it or ask ya professor. If you not in my classes, don't come to me!

I guess my point was that though this is how I think, this is most likely how I come off. Looking down my nose at folk though 90% of the people I run into are taller than me. I fear I've turned into the girl I mentioned earlier. And I don't want to be that person. But at the same time, I feel like I needn't be the spokesperson far all that you find "counter-culture." Sure, I eat healthy, do yoga, read reference books for fun, sleep to Buddhist chanting, loc my hair, have casual conversations with my ancestors, wear wraps on my head a dashikis with my jeans, married a foreigner, let my 3 y.o. make major decisions for himself, and out rightly speak against 9-5 jobs. But those are my decisions, and my life, and I feel it's personal. Additionally, when hearing statements, directed at me, about the way I go about my life that reflect your ignorance towards my lifestyle, I can't help but physically cringe. Sometimes I find myself surprised that close minded individuals still exist. I don't think we can afford to be in this day and age.

Funny, in the middle of typing all this I had a convo with a student who wandered into the museum. He mentioned that he is mentoring teens and his number one policy which he is firm on is no premarital sex. He's a nice guy, so I didn't bother countering. What's wrong with folks these days honestly?

Confessions of an Ex Fat Girl (Relationships)

BeautifulBrwnBabyDol of youtube speaks esteem and changes in relationships as she lost weight. I sincerely appreciate this video though I may have never been at a point where others would have called me "fat," I think her remarks of relationships in general are worth sharing.